Tuesday, September 21, 2021

I Got My Vaccine, But I Support Your Right to Be a Moron and Not Get Yours

The following editorial was written by Editor in Chief and leading contributing fuckwit, James Schlarmann. 

Beginning in March of last year, my family and I implemented every single health and safety protocol the CDC and WHO recommended in order to protect ourselves from the Democrat Hoax, oh excuse me, the novel coronavirus also known as “COVID-19.”

For the next year and a half, life dragged on and also managed to change quite drastically. My wife lost her job. The kids went to full-time distance learning. I even took a 10% reduction in pay.

BEAUTY OF SEEING THE HUMANS HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ALL AT ONCE BROUGHT A TEAR TO BRANSON’S EYE

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Life became weirder and more expensive simultaneously. It was one of the most harrowing times in my life, and I don’t think any of us really know what the psychological trauma of the last year and a half will do to us years and years from now. For a long time, it seemed like Pandemic Life was the new normal, and that was probably the most frightening aspect of it all.

So you can imagine how excited we were in our house when we found out that not just one, not just two, but three vaccines had been developed to fight COVID-19. Vaccines are life savers. Just ask any of the millions of Americans who, like me, were born after the polio vaccine was developed. My kids will likely never deal with chickenpox or adult onset shingles, thanks to vaccines. Their generation could be virtually free from fears about genital warts thanks to the HPV vaccine.

Though as long as Ted Cruz breathes, genital warts will always have representation on Earth.

I have to say my quality of life has improved exponentially since I got my second dose of the Moderna vaccine and waited the two weeks afterward. I’ve seen friends and family I didn’t get to see in over a year. I’ve walked into stores, a couple of times without a mask on accident, without fearing that I’d be catching the virus and bringing it home.

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In other words, I have gotten my life back to “normal” to a certain degree. While I understand that millions of Americans never did any of the things my family did, and basically kept living life “normally,” I can say that my way of doing things means I got my life back without putting others at risk (while ironically pretending to be “pro-life”).

The data shows that the COVID-19 vaccines are working.

Nearly all the new cases and deaths are among the unvaccinated population centers. The Delta variant is rearing its ugly head, but that’s mainly because, as a lot of people warned, the virus is getting a chance to mutate among the unvaccinated masses. The faster we get people vaccinated, the sooner we can safely say we’ve walled ourselves off from COVID-19 as best we can.

As much as I am proud proponent of vaccinations, though, I’m also a big believer in the founding principles of this nation.

No! Not the one that said we can own people like property! No! Not the one that said you have to own land or have a penis to vote. I mean the ones that talk about freedom and liberty.

Because I love freedom and liberty so much, I fully and completely support your decision to be a fucking moron and not get vaccinated. I am totally behind your idiotic and stupid decision to eschew a literal life saving drug because of politics. After all, doing or saying stupid shit because a politician tells you to is a tale as old as time, and as American as Apple Pie or white nationalism.

Maybe you’re not getting vaxxed because you’re a single-braincelled organism and just don’t get how vaccines work. Either way — politics or scientific illiteracy, I support your right to be a goddamned fuckwit and not vaccinated.

And why wouldn’t I? I’m vaccinated and will get any boosters they suggest. The same goes for the rest of my family, and my ten year old will be the same way once he can get vaccinated. If the virus ends up wiping out more people, I hate to say it but the math says it’ll be in largely MAGA-fied areas of the country.

In a way, maybe you choosing not to get vaccinated is just the long-awaited conclusion to Sherman’s March to the Sea.

So I stand with you, Brave Patriot. Use your freedoms the way you want to. That’s what this country is for and about. Don’t get vaccinated. Don’t wear your seatbelt. Don’t wear a condom when you’re fucking your cousin at the Family Reunion/Key Party. Do all the things experts say you shouldn’t, only because you won’t let some goddamn government stooge tell you how to live your life.

And I’ll see you all next year for the midterms. Well, not all of you, obviously. But there I go coming up with reasons to support your liberty in literally the last sentence of this piece.

FOX WEATHER LOOKING FOR METEOROLOGISTS WHO CAN EXPLAIN WHY ANTIFA CAUSES HURRICANES

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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