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Monday, June 5, 2023

An Angry, Racist, Orange Bag of Diarrhea Will No Longer Voice the Character of Donald Trump

Last week, a handful of white actors and actresses gave up their roles in animated projects so that someone closer to the racial makeup of the character in question could be found to play the part. Comedian Jenny Slate gave up her role on the Netflix show Big Mouth, and actress Kristen Bell similarly gave up her role on the new Apple TV+ show Central Park. Alison Brie, who played a mixed-race character for several seasons on the Netflix animated hit Bojack Horseman couldn’t give up the part as the show has already finished production, but she did issue a statement of apology for playing a part she didn’t share a common mixed racial background with.

The changes come as Hollywood grapples with the quickly shifting public sentiment on white actors playing non-white parts, in even animated programs where the actor or actress isn’t actually seen on screen. While reconciling past racism — both overt and inherent — is nothing new in the United States, there has been a renewed spirit of debate and discourse on the subject since the killing of George Floyd by four police officers in Minneapolis. Floyd was an unarmed black suspect, and a white cop with a history of reported abuses of power killed him when he kneeled on his neck for almost nine full minutes.

MORE: DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

Today, the White House announced what they called a “casting decision” that the administration is hoping might start turning Trump’s plummeting poll numbers around.

“Representation matters. It might not always seem like this administration understands that,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters at a briefing today, “but we do. That’s why the president made the incredibly brave and tough decision to do his own voice and call-in appearances and will no longer be using an angry, racist, orange bag of diarrhea to play the part when he just doesn’t feel like working, which is roughly 98% of the time he’s not thinking of his sexy daughter Ivanka.”

According to Ms. Ditzydick, the president hired a stand-in to “do his parts” when he didn’t feel very much like being president. Friends and associated had warned Trump that there could be times when the pressures of the job might get to be too much. So, one of the first things his transition team did was find him a lineup of suitable presidential analogues.

“And ironically enough, some were anal logs. Like, actual poopies that came from people’s butts,” McDitzydick laughed. “Ultimately, though, he chose between a handful of very qualified angry, racist, orange bags of diarrhea, and landed on one bag of hot liquid shit in particular. This candidate had it all — the looks, the stamina, the charisma, the fact that it, like the president, was completely full of shit. It was a match made in heaven.”

But recent events have given the president a “chance to pause and reflect” on his decision to have a stand-in, and has decided to reverse it, beginning immediately.

“The great news for the president’s base — which we currently estimate is roughly six trillion members of the silent majority,” McDitzydick suggested, “is that they won’t notice literally any difference. No one will be able to tell the difference, so there will be great continuity. Which is nice because of how incontinent the president usually is.”

MORE: Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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