WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, during an impromptu press conference and rant session, President Donald Trump referred to himself as “the Chosen One.” Trump was speaking in reference to his ongoing trade war with China, which many economists have been warning could help push the country into a recession. Trump’s declaration that he is the Chosen One came less than a day after he retweeted a quote from noted right-wing conspiracy theorist Wayne Allyn Root in which Root called Trump “the King of Israel.” Some have wondered if these kinds of rhetorical boasts could cost Trump any support among Evangelical Christians, whose holy book expressly forbids the worship of false Gods, or anyone presenting themselves as God’s equal.
Mr. Trump, perhaps sensing the need to address the issue before it spins out of control and causes damage to his truly sterling reputation as one of the most humble, meek, and down to earth bloviating racists, issued an executive order from the Oval Office today. The order directs companies that publish copies of the Bible to make a key edit in the Old Testament. Namely, Trump ordered Bible publishers to remove the commandment that forbids the worship of false idols.
“I hereby decree with all the powers vested in me as the supremely powerful being in the country, and frankly the universe, that Bible publishers have sixty days to begin printing MAGA-ized Bibles,” Trump said as he dragged his orange crayon over the paper in front of him. “For now, we’re just going to demand the false idol commandment be deleted, but there’s a chance we could find more that has to go. My best people are combing through the Bible to find things that are unpatriotic and disloyal to me, or the country, or whatever.”
Mr. Trump indicated that he simply does not agree with the commandment that forbids the worship of false idols.
“Some new idols might be better, don’t you think? Besides, did anyone complain about that show ‘American Idol’ like this? Of course not,” Trump said sourly.
Just then, an aide leaned into the president’s ear and whispered something to him. Trump pulled his crayon back out and immediately starting adding text to the order. The president explained himself as he wrote.
“So apparently there’s some shit in there about not bearing false witness,” Trump said, “and I didn’t know this, but that means we’re not supposed to lie? What? Who the hell would sign up for that kind of deal. If you ask me, the Ten Commandments are a worse deal than the Iran Nuclear deal because we all need to be able to lie, pretend we’re God, and have lustful thoughts for our friends’ wives or our own daughters. That’s just the American way!”
Vice-President Pence, a devout born again Christian, was asked by reporters how he felt about Trump’s order.
“I love it. Absolutely love it. Even as a Christian, there are things I just don’t agree with in the Bible,” Pence said, “like how it doesn’t specifically mention abortion at all. How does God expect us to subjugate women if he doesn’t imply they’re all potential cold blooded murderers? Makes no sense to me. Besides, if you think this is the first time my politics and my religious beliefs are completely out of whack, you didn’t pay attention to my tenure as governor of Indiana, fam.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she’d formulate a plan to address this issue once there was sufficient support for her to do so.
“First thing to do is conduct a poll to determine if people want me to conduct more polls,” Pelosi said, “and once we get that figured out, maybe we’ll do something about the lawless, demented white collar crook in the Oval Office. Maybe. No promises.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”