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Monday, June 5, 2023

Pat Robertson Reminds Christians They’ll Go To Hell for Loving Baby Yoda and Baby Jesus

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson has a stern warning for Christians who also consider themselves fans of the Star Wars franchise not to invest themselves too heavily in the sci-fi space opera. Robertson specifically was concerned about a new character introduced in the popular new Disney+ original program, The Mandalorian. 

“I kept hearing people talk about this Baby Yoda character, and much to my chagrin, I found out it isn’t some cute little new Japanese pickup truck,” Robertson told his audience this morning. “Apparently, it’s a baby alien creature and everyone really loves this Baby Yoda. I cannot begin to tell you how dangerous it is for our society to love Baby Yoda, particularly when we should be loving on another baby, and that baby’s name is Jesus.”

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Robertson pointed to the Ten Commandments which expressly forbid the worshiping of false idols before God. Though the character of Jesus isn’t mentioned in the Bible’s dark, brooding first act, he is born multiple times in its second act. The Bible specifically names Jesus as the Son of God, but he’s also considered a part of God by the notion of the “Holy Trinity,” and ergo, Robertson insists, he’s the only baby Christians should love.

“Baby Yoda may be cute. Baby Yoda might be adorable sipping that soup,” Mr. Robertson said, “but he ain’t gonna climb his little green butt onto a cross and die for your sins, fam. He’s just not. The Bible is very clear about this. No false idols. No gods before the main God. You take your eternal soul’s fate in your own hands when you worship this Baby Yoda character.”

It’s “highly disgusting and sad,” Robertson, said, that Christians might “risk going to Hell forever for the sake of a fictional character.” He told his teleparishoners that he would be “absolutely devastated” if he got to Heaven and found out so many of them had chosen to burn in eternal damnation instead of following the teachings of Christ and the Bible verbatim. Rev. Robertston lambasted Disney for “forcing fake, made-up fantasy crap” on the public.

“It’s a made-up show! That’s the crazy part to me,” Robertson explained, “You’ve got all these good, clean, ammo hoarding Christian patriots falling madly in love with a fictional baby! It’s all made up folks! It’s not like the Bible which is a completely historically accurate account written literally by the creator of the universe himself, through humans he would speak to in dreams! The differences are so stark, and so important. We’re talking about the fate of your mortal souls here, people!”

Essentially, Robertson said, Christians have a choice to make — love Baby Yoda, or love Baby Jesus.

“I know it seems unfair. But we talked about this when that Harry Potter guy was popular, too,” Robertson warned. “You put anyone, and I mean anyone before God, and he’ll smite you. Because he loves you, you see. He loves you so much that he gets incredibly jealous and he lashes out when he sees you loving something or someone other than him, no matter how much he knows deep down you love him. So he smites you. But he smites out of love, don’t you see that? He wouldn’t smite if he didn’t love you so much, and frankly if you didn’t ask for it a little bit with your cavalier indifference to his emotions!”

Before signing off, Robertson remembered there is one exception to the rule. When a caller asked him if there were any babies other than Jesus that Christians were allowed to love, the elderly pastor remembered there were a “few exceptions.”

“Of course, all babies not born yet. Even when they’re just a cluster of cells and tissue, gotta love them to the point that you’d murder someone to protect that blastocyst baby,” Robertson said. “But you all know that the only baby you’re allowed to worship in any other way, besides Jesus that is, is the president.”

Ultimately, Robertson said all he can do is warn everyone about the dangers of loving Baby Yoda and Baby Jesus, but because God gave humans free will, the choice is up to everyone to make on their own.

“I can’t tell you what to do. But boy I would sure feel stupid devoting so much of my life to caring about a character that didn’t even exist,” Robertson said. “That just seems like a massive waste of time, to me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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