VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson told a podcast audience this week that he had a “special message and dire plea” for the LGBTQ community, who he referred to repeatedly as “The Gays.” Robertson said he wants the LGBTQ community to consider drastically cutting back on their sexual activity and limit it to “just hand and mouth stuff.”
“I’m just afraid that God’s patience with butt sex is wearing thin is all,” Robertson said, “and the last thing we want is to incur his wrath simply because The Gays couldn’t keep their anal sex to a respectable level, is all.”
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Later, Robertson would clarify that to God no amount of anal sex acceptable.
“You might think God and Jesus don’t have enough free time to care about the personal sexual orientation of every human being,” Robertson said, “but that just shows you don’t know Jesus Christ like I know him.”
Christ, reached for comment, would tell us that Robertson is “totes cray” and doesn’t speak for all of Christendom, much less the majority of it.
“Now, look, everyone,” Robertson said, “I know that right now is not the time to be giving out lectures about morality. So many people are hunkering down, just trying to survive the hurricanes and flooding that comes with them. But we should also probably talk about how these darned hurricanes would stop happening if The Gays could stop doing things with each other’s buttholes.”
When Hurricane Harvey made landfall last week, Robertson says he got a “sneaking suspicion God was about to do some smitin’.” Robertson says “there’s only so much butt play that God can turn a blind eye to.” He said that Harvey was “almost assuredly” God’s punishment for “The Gays feeling to self-assured and safe in America.”
“It might seem callous, cruel, crass and frankly un-Christian to speculate about what sins caused God to punish whom,” Robertson said, “and it’s all of those things, most assuredly. But I can’t stop thinking about gay stuff myself, so I am positive God is also similarly obsessed with the private bedroom affairs of grown adults.”
Against his better judgment, Robertson had planned on not telling the country his theory as to why Hurricane Harvey happened. He said that Americans needed a break from the “divisive rhetoric all over the place.” But, when he heard about Hurricane Irma gathering momentum off the coast of Florida, he knew he had to say something.
“I couldn’t just sit back and watch God punish us with yet another hurricane and not tell The Gays it’s prolly all their faults,” Robertson told his podcast audience.
Robertson said he had an epiphany and thought he might be able to “strike a compromise” with the LGBT community. If they could agree to just limit their sexual activity to what he called the “Catholic Priest Sexual Activation Starter Pack,” perhaps God would stop punishing the Gulf Coast so harshly.
“So you know, just handies and blowies,” Mr. Robertson explained.
One caller asked Robertson if he thought he might be a “little obsessed” with gay sex and maybe could benefit from focusing his efforts on charity and good works. Robertson laughed a big laugh. He shook his head and wagged his finger.
“Do I think about butt sex more than someone who’s actually having butt sex at the time? Sure,” Robertson said, “But does that make me a better Christian than you? Only God can decide.”
God would later tell us that, in fact, it doesn’t make Mr. Robertson a better Christian than anyone.
“Quite the opposite, actually,” God said when reached for comment.
This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.