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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference last week, Vice President Mike Pence caused quite a bit of eyebrow raising and head scratching. The presser was the first such event held by the White House coronavirus task force in a few weeks, and came amid a spike in COVID-19 infections reported in several areas of the country. The Trump administration had been claiming their response to the pandemic was a success just days prior, pointing to states like Texas and Florida that were already opening their economies back up.

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However, as Pence was telling the country that the American people had indeed “flattened the curve” of COVID-19 cases, both Texas and Florida were seeing an enormous resurgence of the virus within their borders. One day last week, Florida reported over 9,000 new cases of coronavirus infection. Most health experts have analysed the data over the last couple of weeks and determined it’s not a second wave of infection the country is seeing, but instead a first wave that was not, as Pence stated, flattened, but merely slowed.

It would appear that Vice President Pence is still personally convinced that the Trump administration did in fact oversee a flattening of COVID-19’s infection curve. In fact, when doubling-down on that assertion this morning at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, Pence drew comparisons to other “very well known, real and true facts.”

“I would never lie, just so you all know. Sure, I work for the most notorious and well-documented liar to ever be president,” Pence admitted, “and sure, I have shown that my loyalty is only outmatched by my burning desire to lick the president’s peen publicly and stroke is ego. But I just want to preface what I’m about to tell you with that fact — I never lie, I’ve never lied, and I will never lie.”

Pence paused, sipping from a glass of holy water he had on the lectern.

“Look, I know flat-out, with every fiber in my being, that we flattened COVID-19’s deadly curve,” Pence stated emphatically. “I know it just like I know other certain, undeniable facts. We flattened the curve. We saved lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

A smattering of “amen” could be heard throughout the congregation, but Pence didn’t stop naming his facts.

“Tax cuts for the wealthy pay for themselves. Racism is over in America,” Pence continued. “I could go on listing facts like this forever. Peanut butter and gravy is America’s favorite sandwich. Taco Bell makes authentic Mexican food. I like how boobies look and vaginas feel. See? I am absolutely chock full of facts today!”

More people saying “amen” could be heard billowing up from the congregants.

“So, the next time someone tells you we can’t open back up just because a few tens of thousands of people have died, and cases are going up,” Pence said, “you remind them that we already flattened the curve. You remind them that up is down, grass is blue, and the sky is green. You look them right in their communist eyes and you tell them 2+2 equals ketchup. It will always equal ketchup, and you will die fighting to your last breath to ensure it equals ketchup for now and forever!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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