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Sunday, February 5, 2023

Pence Already Backed Out of Debating With Harris, Because He Can’t Be On Stage With a Woman Who Isn’t His Wife

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Mike Pence has already announced that he will not debate Senator Kamala Harris ahead of the general election in November.

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When former Vice President Joe Biden selected Harris as his running mate, he ended months of speculation about just who he’d pick. The campaign made it public knowledge that they preferred a female of color to be his running mate, and in Harris the Biden camp got just that. Within moments of the announcement of Harris’ selection, however, Vice President Mike Pence’s office issued a statement declaring that he would not be participating in the debates with Harris.

Pence’s statement, below:

Dear Senator Harris,

The Office of the Vice Presidency regrets to inform you that Vice President Mike Pence will not be able to participate in any debates with you. To be clear, this has nothing at all do with the CHINA VIRUS WHICH OUR GOOD, DEAR PRESIDENT IS FIGHTING WHILE YOU TRY TO USURP HIS GOD-GIVEN POWER. Vice President Pence is, as ever, unafraid of anything but the awesome power of God, or people reading his Internet search history before he has a chance to clear it. 

This is also not a decision that was made because Vice President Pence is in any way afraid of a strong, intelligent females. Vice President Pence happens to be married to a strong, intelligent female, and if he were allowed by her to say more about their relationship, you’d understand it has nothing at all to do with that. However, on the subject of Mother…

Vice President Pence’s deeply rooted belief that it is disrespectful to his wife, whom he calls “Mother” and that is in no way at all weird, to be on a stage with another woman. While Mother would be in the audience, watching, and she has shown some interest in watching other things transpire that Vice President Pence would have otherwise thought she’d have considered to sinful to watch, much less engage in herself, he simply can’t risk it and the off chance he wasn’t actually getting that, you know, vibe from her. 

Besides, all of this is likely a moot point. If the president and Attorney General Barr are able to figure out what they’ve been working on the last few weeks, there might not be an election for you to be on the bottom half of the ticket in, anyway. Mmm.

Vice President Pence has asked that all communications be immediately terminated if the phrase “bottom half” is used.

With Warm, Smug Shit-Eating-Grin Disrespect,

Vice President Mike Pence

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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