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Friday, February 3, 2023

Pentagon Says Trump Military Parade Will Feature Live Suicides And Homeless Vets

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Preparations are underway at the Pentagon for a massive show of military strength, on the orders of the Commander in Chief, President Donald Trump. Several outlets reported yesterday that Mr. Trump, having been inspired by watching France’s Bastille Day celebration last year, has ordered the armed forces to look into having a similar type of event that would culminate with a large military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue in the nation’s capital.

Per NPR:

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders shared in a statement that “President Trump is incredibly supportive of America’s great service members who risk their lives every day to keep our country safe.” She added, “He has asked the Department of Defense to explore a celebration at which all Americans can show their appreciation.” (NPR)

Though no specific date has been selected for the parade, Pentagon insiders are saying they would prefer Veteran’s Day, this November. Most of the specifics of the parade are being kept under wraps, however this morning in the Oval Office, President Trump let some of the things the Pentagon is working on for the parade slip out. With his feet up on the Resolute desk, a Diet Coke in one hand, and his First Lady on the other, Trump spoke to various right-wing news outlets.

“Ivanka, baby,” Trump said, “I was just talking to the Stop Sign Guys, and they told me they’ve cooked up something fun for the parading honoring my presidency — er, I mean the country and it’s great military, yeah, that’s totally what I meant.”

Ivanka stared blankly for a second, farted, and then seemed to be present and clear headed again.

“Oh, really Daddy? Tell me! I wanna know,” Ivanka said, stroking her father’s chin.

Trump purred and responded.

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“They thought it might be fun to have live suicides during the parade, you know, to show the American people some of the potential ways that serving can change your life forever,” Trump said. “Apparently, a lot of them kill themselves every year while suffering from PTSD, lack of employment, and timely medical care. Honestly, that was a lot of words they told me at once, so I may have gotten that kinda wrong, though. Maybe they told me with all the suicides it might be a bit garish and buffoonish to hold this kind of parade, but what are you gonna do?”

Ivanka smiled blankly and farted again.

“And they told me that they’re going to find as many homeless vets as possible to fill up the parade’s lines,” Trump said. “Because apparently they don’t think a lot of soldiers would want to take part in something that looks like it was put together by some despotic third world dictator. Again, too many words for me, and I came away from that particular part of the conversation thinking they want me to eat potatoes shaped like penises.”

Ivanka smiled blankly, and farted one last time. Her father took a deep breath inward, his rolling back in his large, orange cranium. The president told his staff it was time for a “nap nap” and he and he put his head down on the Resolute Desk, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

This story is developing.

Satire like this can be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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