President Wants Pizza Delivery Driver Who Forgot His Cheese and Peppers Arrested for Treason

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The most powerful alleged billionaire and white collar criminal in the free world has been using the word “treason” more and more these days. Specifically, President Donald J. Trump has been using his Twitter account and intimating that the federal whistleblower whose report is at the center of the House Democrats’ impeachment investigation, as well as key Democratic congressional members like Rep. Adam Schiff, can and should be arrested and tried for treason.

Twice in the last three days, Mr. Trump has thrown out accusations of treason against Schiff and broadcast those accusations across the country via Twitter.

It’s not common practice for presidents to hurl accusations of treason. During his presidency, Barack Obama faced fierce, outspoken dissent, and often was the brunt of racist attacks on his legitimacy. Not once did Obama accuse anyone of treason when his administration was investigated repeatedly by House Republicans. Even when he was under impeachment himself, President Bill Clinton never accused then Speaker Newt Gingrich of treason. One Trump supporter told Fox News he likes that the president accuses people of treason so flippantly because it “proves he’s as ignorant about words as we is” and that he “goes where other politicians is too scaredy-catted to.”

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Reportedly, advisers are working closely with Mr. Trump, though, attempting to teach him what the words “coequal branch of government” mean. The lessons are not going that well, however. Sources close to the situation say that instead of Trump calming down and accusing people of treason less, he’s started throwing around the word even more.

“The other night, he said we should try the refrigerator downstairs for treason because it ran out of Diet Coke,” one aide said. “So, obviously, we’re dealing with a super genius here.”

Last week, Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that the House was beginning a full and open impeachment inquiry surrounding Trump’s efforts to force Ukraine to help him win next year’s election. Essentially, Mr. Trump tried to pressure the new Ukrainian president to order his government to dig up dirt on Democratic candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden. While it’s unclear exactly where the impeachment proceedings will wind up taking the country, President Trump’s attacks and accusations of treason imply he won’t be calmly awaiting results of the investigation.

“He won’t stop throwing treason around,” one White House source told us, “and it’s getting embarrassing. If we try to tell him to stop using that word, he accuses us of treason for it! He bumped his shin on a chair in the Oval Office and ordered the Secret Service to take the chair out back and execute with a firing squad.”

Even meal times are not safe from the cloud of treason, our sources say. Reportedly, Mr. Trump got into an altercation and argument with a Papa John’s pizza delivery driver this weekend. When Mr. Trump found out the driver had forgotten the grated parmesan cheese and red peppers for his pizza, Trump became enraged and accused the driver of “treasonous and downright Democrat-ish actions.”

“This is a full-blown coop on me! It’s a pizza coop,” Trump said, “and I will not stand for it. I will not sit by and let you commit these treasonous and downright Democrat-ish actions against me! I am sorry my good boy, but no one is above the law, except me. But that’s only because I’m more important than you, of course. So that being said, I’m afraid we may have to arrest you for treason.”

Mr. Trump took to his Twitter account and, in a tweet that has since been deleted, asked his followers if the pizza delivery driver should be tried and executed for treason. Not surprisingly, most of Trump’s most loyal followers agreed that he was insulted beyond repair by the exclusion of the cheese and peppers.

“FORGETTING MY CHEEZ N PEPPIES IS A GREAT WAY TO GET KILLED-ED FOR TREASON, FAM,” Trump said in another tweet that has since been deleted. “I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS AGGRESSION AGAINST MY CHEEZ AND PEPPIES AND THIS GRATE NAY-SHUN! BUY THE WEIGH I MISS-SPELL WORDS ON PORPOISE TO OWN THE LIBTARDS! SEW STOP CALLING ME ILLETERUT!”

The delivery driver has been placed in witness protection, as has the whistleblower, to protect them from the president. Papa John’s did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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