WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was unable to point to the United States of America on a map without labels, according to several sources close to the situation.
At approximately 10:45am this morning, Sec. Pompeo was handed a map that had no countries labeled on it. He was asked a very simple question — could he point to the United States. Reportedly, Pompeo glared at the person who handed him the map for a few moments, and then motioned for them to join him in another room.
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“YOU MOTHERFUCKER. How dare you? Do you think anyone fucking cares about America,” Pompeo argued. “This is an outrage. You should be ashamed of yourself. What a petty person you are. Asking me, the Secretary of State, if I can identify my own motherland? Get bent. Go fuck yourself. I’m a Christian man, how fucking dare you, you cock mongrel? Eat a fetid pile of fuck and go read your Bible like I do.”
But the woman who had handed Pompeo was undeterred. She asked him, politely, simply to point to the United States. She was even willing to give him a couple of hints, if needed them.
“No I don’t need any hints you fucking asshole! Praise Jesus, by the way. But I need no hints, you goddamned, shit bricking dick wart,” Pompeo seethed with anger. “You come in here, and dare to challenge me? Do you know who I am? Do you know how awesome, great, and powerful I am, praise God? FUCK YOU, CUNT. I will not be baited into this little bullshit game of yours, as the Lord They Everloving Sacred Jesus Christ as my witness, I will power punch you if you challenge my wisdom again.”
Still, the woman persisted. She asked the Secretary of State, fourth in the line of succession to the presidency, simply to point to the United States on the unlabeled map. Again, Pompeo raged.
“I cannot fucking believe the gall you have,” Pompeo shouted. “Fine. You know what? You know shitdickpissfuckcockcuntnipplebastarddiarrhea what? Give me the stupid map again. Give me the map. I can do this, and when I do, you have to go the fuck away and go to church and worship the Christian fucking God like I clearly motherfucking do, okay, you shit-ass-bitch?”
Pompeo ripped the map out of the woman’s hands. He placed it down on a nearby table. Leaning over the map, Pompeo huffed and puffed. He scratched his chins. For five solid minutes, he traced a stubby finger over the lines and contours of several of the unnamed countries on it. At one point, a clearly exasperated Pompeo got up and started pacing around the room, thinking deeply.
Then, suddenly, he snapped his fingers in the air.
“Okay, you pretentious twat, praise Jesus,” Pompeo said, “I’ve got your number now. Ready? Here we go, bitch!”
Pompeo lunged at the map. He stabbed his finger down defiantly. With a smug grin, he looked up and gloated.
“See? Boom. Nailed it,” Pompeo said.
There was a hushed silence in the room. An aide to the Secretary of State walked up and pulled at his shoulder. The aide had a baleful look on his face.
“Sir, that’s…um…that’s Russia, sir,” Pompeo’s aide said.
Sec. Pompeo grabbed the paper and tore it to shreds. He stormed out of the room and gave the woman who had challenged him to find America on a map the finger. Reportedly, the woman is now on a terrorism watchlist.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.