WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, The Archduke of D-List Reality TV Hosts His Royal Highness the Emperor King President of the United States tweeted the hashtag #StoptheCoup to his 66 million Twitter followers. His Majesty the King has been publicly feuding with Congressional Democrats who, for some odd reason, truly believe they have the foundational authority to hold His Worshipfulness accountable for what they claim are his multiple abuses of power.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 19, 2019
According to the disrespectful pleb Democrats, they claim so-called “Constitution of the United States of America” gives them the authority to impeach the King for what are deemed “high crimes and misdemeanors.” Further heaping insult on his Royal Kingliness is the fact that they claim the text of this Constitution gives them the sole power to decide how and when those offenses were committed, and to establish the mechanism by which they will establish he committed the alleged crimes. King Trump has made no secret of the fact that he disregards these assertions with a wave of his mighty royal sceptre, which despite what adult film actress Stormy Daniels said to the contrary, is quite large and definitely doesn’t look like a pool noodle rescued from a bonfire.
“Uh, excuse me? What gives them the right to do this to me? The Con-stu-tootin’? Never heard of it,” Emperor Lord Thy God Trump told reporters outside the White Palace earlier this week. “And I certainly would never swear an oath to a piece of paper. That’s ridiculous. If anything, the Constitution should swear an oath to me!”
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Word out of the Royal Family, however, is that as much as the king has tried his best to find a way out of the oppressive yoke of accountability, he has come to realize he may have to take matters into his own hands.
“Which is of course pretty challenging given how challengingly small his Royal hands are,” one palace insider told us. “The king has realized however, in his infinite, stable genius, that he might have to think outside the box.”
This might explain why later in the day, King Trump summoned his staff and demanded that the Constitution be found and brought to the Oval Throne Room immediately. By the time aides located the original document, King Trump had moved into his other throne room. From inside, he could be heard grunting and releasing a noble deuce and shouting at his team.
“TAKE IT TO THE OVAL! I’LL…UHHH…BE THERE…IN A MINUTE…AFTER I FINISH DROPPING DON JR OFF AT THE POOL,” King Trump could be heard shouting from even outside the White Palace walls.
Four hours later, a visibly drained and depleted King Trump sauntered into the Oval Throne Room. He sat down behind the Resolute Desk, and opened a special drawer in it that he modified and turned into a box that keeps his “chicky nugnugs” warm. Emperor Trump removed a box of chicken nuggets and a mirror. He lined up fifteen nuggets and methodically chopped them up with a razor blade into fifteen neat lines he snorted as he spoke.
“Alright. Ah! Good. That’s better. An empty colon means I get to refill my body with nugs,” Trump said. “I got you all in here today because I came up with the plan. I know how to stop this assault on my lawlessness, and remind Democrats I’m not above the law, it just doesn’t apply to me.”
With anticipation, the most loyal of Trump’s court leaned in. What truly incredibly smart plan had he come up with this time, they wondered. Farting a baronial fart, Trump told them.
“I hereby order you change that piece of shit document you’ve got there to say ‘coup’ every place it says ‘impeach’ or ‘impeachment,'” Trump shouted at his royal court. “Immediately! We all know impeaching me is a coup anyway, so I want to make it official. If it’s in my brain, it has to be out in the real world! Bill Barr told me this, and we all know what a wise and unbiased man he is!”
As his loyal assistants tracked down the White-Out, King Trump ordered a few more changes to the Constitution.
“While you’ve got it out anyway, you might as well get rid of the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments, because my voters don’t approve of them anyway,” His Regal Excellence ordered. “And, um, you know what? Do we really need a court system? Not if they’re gonna act like cucks and pretend they have power over me, we don’t. Delete that.”
Trump wasn’t done changing the Constitution quite yet.
“Actually, let’s just also get rid of Congress. Don’t need ’em. Waste of tax dollars when you have me in power,” Trump said. “I come up with all the best ideas anyway, what with my very good brain and best words.”
Farting, Trump had a thought.
“Wait! Why am I being so short sighted about this? I have a way better idea,” Trump yelled. “Just shred it. Shred the whole damn thing. Can’t use the Constitution against me if there is no Constitution, right? Right! Man I’m smart! Get me the President of Utah on the phone so I can tell him how smart I am.”
King Trump spent the next sixteen hours talking with the President of Utah and retweeting conspiracy theories from a gap-toothed moron called Tom Fitton.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.