WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the battle over impeachment rages on, President Donald Trump has amplified his angry invective against House Democrats who he says are “attacking” him with “reckless accountability and egregious checks and balances.” Trump has repeatedly tried to frame the impeachment proceedings underway against him as efforts by the Dems to “steal” next year’s election, which is sure to be one of the most hotly contested in the country’s history. A couple of weeks ago, Trump even tweeted a video with the caption “DEMOCRATS WANT TO STEAL THE ELECTION!”
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 2, 2019
Verbal assaults from the commander in chief have become something resembling routine these days. However, Mr. Trump’s rhetoric has become increasingly hostile, and some might argue extreme. To claim that Democrats are trying to steal an election is a very grave accusation. This morning, while pacing around the lawn of the White House, waiting for his helicopter ride to a golf course he owns, Trump agreed to berate reporters and spew conspiracy theories for a few minutes, as has become another of his new traditions.
Trump was asked specifically what he means about Democrats allegedly stealing an election.
“It’s a very simple concept, okay? Very simple. They’re doing this whole BOB MUELLER NANCY PELOSI PETER STROZK ANGRY DEMOCRAT MOB TACTIC IMPEACHMENT WITCH HUNT for one reason,” Trump shouted, “because they can’t beat me next year. The only way they beat me, the country’s most historically unpopular president, is to either kick me out of office, or steal the election.”
President Trump was pressed to explain exactly how Democrats might try to steal the presidential election. The world’s most powerful and small-handed man thought for a moment. Farting just enough to give his brain the space to finish he thought, Trump answered the question.
“First of off, you have to remember that as president I am CONSTAL-TOOSHIN-ALLY promised a second term, and more if I want them,” Trump insisted, “and that is completely true. According to Bill Barr, who is of course my personal attorney general. He said that as long as I am president, I’m not above the law, but I am unable to be held accountable by the law. Mitchy-Poo over in the Senate confirmed it. He said, I’m not above the law, it just doesn’t apply to me right now.”
Reaching into his left pocket, Trump pulled out a flask of Diet Coke and sipped from it. From his other pocket, Trump produced a Big Mac and scarfed it one gulp. Before continuing, he threw the trash from the Big Mac on the ground, farted again, and continued.
“Now, I still have to do the elections, I guess, even though, again, the Constitution GUARAN-DAMN-TEES me a second — or more — term,” Trump said, “and that’s where the evil, vicious Democrats come in. They want to steal this next election with this absolutely nefarious plan to get more votes than me!”
Trump put on his most shocked face. He increased the speed of his pacing, and threw his hands up in the air in overly dramatic fashion. The force of this bodily activity drove more flatulence from his anus, and he kept ranting.
“Can you imagine that? Can you even picture a more brazen attempt to defy the will of the 25 to 35 percent of the people who still think a reality TV conman is a good president,” Trump demanded. “It’s corrupt! You simply can’t just defeat a sitting Republican president! Not when he’s white! And you know what? I won’t let them!”
The president then explained all the measures he’s taking to make sure the Democrats can’t “steal” next year’s election by defeating him.
“Well, we’re looking into declaring Marsha Law. If we get enough people named Marsha to agree to it, they’ll be the ones to keep order, and the election will simply be canceled, as I have every right to do, according to Billy Barr and Rudy Giuliani,” Trump insisted. “And of course, we have been kicking around the idea of bringing back poll taxes, as well as taking white out to the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments, thereby making it pretty much illegal for urbans and Mexican-looking urbans to vote again. Which, I will repeat, Billy Barr says I can do under the unitary theory of presidential powers. Fun, huh?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.