WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the House Judiciary Committee approved and adopted rules for an impeachment investigation into President Donald Trump for alleged conduct documented in the Mueller Report. It was a fiery session of the committee, with the president’s most ardent defenders accusing Democrats of not having the courage to launch a full impeachment inquiry, as well as abusing their power by trying to hold the president remotely accountable.
Speaking to reporters outside the White House just moments ago, however, it would seem that Mr. Trump is fairly confident he cannot be impeached, at least not until someone else is impeached first.
“First of off, they can’t impeach me, okay? It’s, and I’m pretty sure I’m right about this,” Trump told reporters, “totally not legal because of how many Electoral College votes I won, or something. I don’t know. Ask Bill Barr he’ll back me up. He backs me up on everything. So, yeah. But even if they can impeach me, and again, VERY IFFY THERE, they can’t impeach me until they impeach Individual-1 first.”
Mr. Trump said that he finally got around to reading the Mueller Report and the indictments of people that used to work for him, and he found the actions of “Individual-1” to be “extremely bad and not good.”
“Boy, if I were the American people, I wouldn’t be mad at me, I’d be mad at Individual-1,” Trump explained. “That guy did some really shady, corrupt stuff from what I understand.”
The president said he “understands why people would be really angry at Individual-1.”
“I mean, he comes off like a real douchebag, let me tell you,” Trump said. “So I don’t get why the Democrats aren’t going after him first. He seems much more worser than me, doesn’t he?”
Trump said he had a very “important and enlightening” conversation with a few people who told him that he was right about House Democrats needing to impeach Individual-1 before they impeach him.
“David Dennison, John Barron, and the President of Puerto Rico all told me this is the case,” Trump said, “and I trust them so much. They’ve never, ever made any mistakes, any of them! They’re literally perfect. Amazing, isn’t it?”
The president had even more names to add to the list of people that House Democrats have to impeach before they can impeach him.
“I think they should impeach Obama first. Then impeach Crooked Hillary,” Trump shouted. “Sure, she’s never been president, but that’s just evidence of the failed coup against me. And in case you forgot — the plan was to cheat to put Hillary in power by making her lose to me and then impeaching and removing me, even though that wouldn’t magically make her president. They obviously would rather have Reverend Mike Pence as their president. And, let me make this very clear, BENGHAZI. People. BENGHAZI.”
Trump wasn’t finished suggesting people to impeach, however.
“Impeach Lincoln! I think they should impeach Lincoln for starting a war of aggression against the confederacy,” Trump said. “That seems much more fairer to me, which I’m sure means it seems much more fairer to you all out there. The smart ones that ignore their lying eyes and ears and listen to their lying president instead.”
The president even suggested that perhaps every other president should be impeached before he is.
“What kind of boorish jerk would I be if I hopped the line? There are, what, like, 44 other presidents? I’m humble! I can wait,” Trump said. “Everyone knows how humble I am! I’m the goddamned best at being humble! I’m not gonna cut in line in front of James Polk or John Quincy Adams! They should be impeached first. It should go in chrono-mo-logical order!”
When Speaker Pelosi heard about Trump’s suggestions, she laughed out loud.
“What a silly suggestion,” Pelosi said. “I’m not going impeach anybody because impeaching is hard and much more importantly, takes actual effort. As everyone knows, actual effort was stripped from the Democratic platform ages ago. My hands are tied, everyone.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”