WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a solemn ceremony this morning, President Donald Trump led the nation in a day of remembrance. On this day, 18 years ago, something happened that forever “shaped the course of destiny,” as Trump would say in his speech.
“That was the day, of course, that my beautiful building located at 40 Wall Street became the tallest building in Manhattan,” Trump said slowly, with measured emotion and feeling, and just a touch of Adderall haziness, “and that is why each year, as a nation, we take time to pause, and reflect, at what a giant, kick-ass fuckin’ building I own! Don’t I own a great building, folks? Tallest in Manhattan, for a time.”
Back on September 11th, 2001, Al Qaeda terrorist operatives conducted an attack on the country that left more than 3500 Americans dead, but also, according to Trump, left him in possession of the tallest building in New York City. Trump famously bragged about this fact on the day his building became the tallest.
“40 Wall Street actually was the second-tallest building in downtown Manhattan, and it was actually, before the World Trade Center, was the tallest — and then, when they built the World Trade Center, it became known as the second tallest. And now it’s the tallest,” Trump said. (PolitiFact)
“I’ll never forget that day. Hey, that’s pretty catchy,” Trump said, he turned to an aide, “Make sure to tell my dumbfuck sons to register the phrase ‘Never Forget’ as a trademark of the Trump Organization, immediately.”
The aide rushed off to carry out Trump’s orders.
“Where was I? Oh, right, remembering this most important time in our nation’s history,” the president pushed on, “a day we all should take time out of our busy lives and reflect on. Ask ourselves, will we ever be as cool as President Trump? Will we ever own the tallest building in Manhattan? Probably not, because you’re all poor-ass losers. Sure, you were winners enough to vote for me in a total unanimous landslide — if you discount all the illegal Mexican votes Crooked Hillary got — but let’s face it, you’ll never know the feeling of owning the tallest building in Manhattan. Not like I do.”
The president believes that the events of September 11th, 2001 “happened for a reason,” and that they are the “perfect example of finding the silver lining in every gray cloud.”
“Whenever I think of what happened on that day, I don’t get sad. Not anymore,” Trump divulged. “Because I know how very rare it is to own the tallest building in Manhattan. I know how much it means to me, and therefore to the entire species, that I owned the tallest building in New York for a time. Some say it makes me God-like, others say it makes me the best president literally ever. I say, both are completely true.”
Mr. Trump also took time during this morning’s ceremony to mark the day he saw “at least sixteen million happy Muslims” dancing in the streets, celebrating an attack on American soil.
“Let us never forget the millions upon millions, the scores of Muslims I’m pretty sure I didn’t make up, but very much so could have made up, seeing that day,” Trump bellowed. “For we must never forget…damn that really IS catchy! I can’t wait to make a fortune off it! You know, like, when I leave office. Totally not enriching myself and my interests while I’m president. Nope. Definitely not. Tiny pinky promise!”
When reporters asked Trump if there was anything else he wanted to talk about, he smiled, farted, and replied.
“Uhhhhh. No? What a dumb question to ask,” Trump answered, “What else would we be honoring today?”
Editor’s Note (Please Ignore if You’re Pro-MAGA): Historians note that Trump never actually owned the tallest building in Manhattan because “facts” show that even on that day, it was the second tallest building after the towers fell.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”