BIZARRO WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, in the Alternate White House, Alternative President Hillary Rodham Clinton made history yet again as she became the first president to pardon one’s self for crimes they have committed.
President Clinton broke one of the most historic glass ceilings ever when she became the first female President of the United States, beating out alleged billionaire Donald Trump. She did this despite the real estate pseudo-mogul having the backing of one of the largest and most powerful countries in the world. But ever since her inauguration, controversy and scandal has plagued the second Clinton administration.
President Clinton’s national security adviser had to resign in disgrace just days into her administration’s tenure when they were caught lying to the FBI. Over the first several months of her administration, key officials have had to step down, or were exposed as having spent massive amounts of taxpayer money on flights and office furnishings. In the 500 days she’s been in office, there has been unusually high staff turnover, and a special counsel investigation has been opened to look into whether her campaign colluded with a foreign power during the 2016 election, which caused her Attorney General, former President Barack Obama, to recuse himself from the investigation.
“It’s with a great sense of duty that I hereby sign this pardon and officially excuse myself from any further consequences for my actions in regards to the Benghazi attacks, Russian uranium, my email server, and of course the litany of assassinations I have both carried out personally and hired hitmen for,” President Clinton said. “But this pardon also covers anything you might find once I leave office, while I am in office, or pretty much ever, m’kay thanks.”
The question of whether a president can issue themselves a pardon has been bandied about, but never quite fully adjudicated.
President Richard Nixon resigned before the Watergate and other related scandals could result in a full impeachment trial. President Bill Clinton’s impeachment never reached the point of trial, and he was never formally charged for any crimes. However, his wife, Mrs. Clinton, has indeed found herself in the unique position to pardon herself.
“Some might say that a president asserting their right to pardon themselves effectively puts them above the law and makes them more like a monarch than an elected official,” Clinton said as she signed the pardon. “And, well, they’re totally right. But, hey, what are you gonna do? It’s good to be Queen.”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he sees “absolutely no issue” with what President Clinton did.
“She was elected president, and everyone knows presidents have powers of kings and queens,” Ryan said. “So, hey, it’s all good in the hood as far as I’m concerned, fam. This is just what presidents do, know what I mean, Jelly Bean? I’m gonna go blast my delts now, see ya flippity-flip, yo!”