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Saturday, June 3, 2023

President Retweets Klan Poll Showing 100% Impeachment Disapproval

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States has found himself in a pitched battle for the continuation of his presidential administration. Last week, after reports surfaced that President Donald J. Trump used a congratulatory phone call with the president-elect of Ukraine surfaced and forced her to receive a spinal transplant, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced the lower chamber of congress was opening a full and open impeachment investigation into Trump’s action. Attorney General William Barr has been implicated, and late last night a Wall Street Journal story broke that reports Barr personally pressured foreign governments to investigate the origins of the Mueller investigation.

It would appear that the country is in the middle of a constitutional crisis the likes of which have not been seen in quite some time, if ever. In order to bolster his support, and more importantly his battered and bruised ego, President Trump has been using his Twitter feed to retweet as many defenses of him and his administration as he can find on the social media platform. Mr. Trump has retweeted polls from Rasmussen — a polling company that skews to the right in most of their surveys — and even retweeted a survey of Breitbart readers that showed enormous disapproval of the impeachment investigation.


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In a tweet that has since been deleted, Trump appeared to signal boost another poll that went in his favor. Except in this case, it was a poll conducted by the Ku Klux Klan. The poll showed that 100% of respondents disagreed with his impeachment. Trump retweeted the poll with the caption, “Always proud to be the white guy for the job.”

Though the tweet was taken down within minutes of being sent, it shows that the president or his staff are actively scouring Twitter for positive comments. 

“The president is always happy to see someone say nice things about him,” White House Lie Secretary Stephanie Grisham told reporters today when asked about Trump’s retweets. “Whether it’s Vlad Putin, Kim Jong-un, the MAGA Bomber, tiki torch carrying Nazis, or the Klan, he always finds something to like about what they say about him.”

Grisham said the American public should expect Trump to “continue making his racist, bloviating, obnoxious, and fact-free case” to them each and every day until “this whole accountability coup goes away.”

“The Democrats are trying to use the Constitution’s checks and balances in such a flagrant way, and of course that has the president upset,” Grisham said. “He’s never been held accountable in his entire life. He filed multiple bankruptcies and had his father give him millions of dollars to get out of the responsibility of being a terrible businessman. He’s failed upward in every single aspect of his life. He was born into wealth and power, and it’s extremely unfair to hold him to the same standards of presidents who never were rich, or who were, and I can’t believe I’m saying this happened in this country, the dark-skinned ones. It’s just so unfair to him to expect him to not be a corrupt, self-dealing gas bag, and he’s going to make that case every day to the American people, period.”

Later in the afternoon, President Trump was spotted walking the White House grounds, shouting at the clouds and screaming into a PlaySkool pretend phone that staffers give to him when he’s feeling “extra impeachable,” sources say. A few reporters caught up with Trump, and he agreed to shout answers to their questions at them.

“People tell me I’m not looking at the right polls, but that’s crazy. I look at every poll from the right,” Trump said smugly. “Did you know I have 110% approval rating with slack jawed morons who believe a race war is coming? It’s true! I have a 99% approval rating with burning crosses! Hell, I even have a 23% approval rating among people named Melania Trump! So you know I’m not going anywhere. Impeach me — I’m still your president. Remove me from office — I’m still your president. Ship me and my cabal of organized crime mafiosos I call my family to some island somewhere to rot for the rest of our lives? STILL YOUR PRESIDENT. FOREVER AND EVER.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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