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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Poll: Majority Think President Trump Pulling Out 41 Years Too Late

A new snap poll, conducted by polling company We Poll You So Hard, indicates that the overwhelming majority of Americans don’t have a problem with President Trump pulling out. They just wish he’d done it about 41 years sooner. This new poll was conducted to gauge just how supportive of President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of Syria, leaving Kurdish allies to be essentially run over by an invading force from Turkey. It’s an issue as complicated as any these days, and We Poll You was interested in seeing just where the American people stand on it.

The only issue, it seems, is that the usually very reliable We Poll You left some qualifying information out of the question they were asking respondents. Those who participated in the survey were asked just one question, “How do you feel about President Donald Trump pulling out?” While We Poll You’s staff knew they were referring to the decision to withdraw troops from Syria, it seems quite a few thought the question referred to Trump pulling out before ejaculating the ejaculation that wound up conceiving Trump’s third-smartest son, Donald Jr.

A substantial majority of those who answered said they believe Mr. Trump is pulling out “41 years too late.” Though it was not a multiple choice survey, over 70% of those surveyed said Trump pulled out too late. We wanted to see if we could match We Poll You’s results, and so we took to the streets and interviewed a few people to get their perspectives, asking them the exact same question as We Poll You.

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Carla Montoya, 36, Vice President of Marketing:

Wait, so he’s pulling out NOW? I mean, I guess. Sure, that’s fine. I bet whichever poor, unfortunately lady he was going to drop his gross load in will be very grateful for him pulling out. But we already have Don Jr., who with our luck will be alive decades longer than he will be. So it’s kinda “too little, too late,” don’t we think?

Skip Malloy, 42, Door to Door Door Salesman

If Trump’s so into pulling out, I wish he would’ve pulled out of whatever bag of hammers that he conceived Don Jr with. I mean, would that have been so much to ask? Hell, I’d probably be okay with colluding with foreign governments to corrupt elections if I knew that four decades ago he’d made sure that someone even dumber with him, who had his name, was prevented from being born. Imagine how much higher our collective IQ as a species would be right now, if he weren’t dragging us all down.

Kimberly Sigura, 28, Executive Chef

For a living, I cook food. I don’t know what Don Jr does for a living, though. Is “being a complete and total dumb fucking moron” a valid career choice? Well, know that I think about it, yeah, it must be, because that’s clearly the Trump family business. All in all, I wish if he was going to pull out that the president would have pulled out about 41 years go.

Jerry Atrix, 45, Mountaineer

Now he’s pulling out? Now? Good God, he’s got at least three crotch fruit too many, and we’re all just waiting for the youngest one to start displaying that trademark cocktail of sociopathy, arrogance, and stupidity that is the Trump hallmark personality trait. He should’ve pulled out at least 41 years ago. I mean, I’m still kinda blown away that human females would want to accept his mangled phallic gift between their thighs, but why would you willingly make a baby with this dipshit. Oh. Right. I forgot. Money. Yay.

Suzie Terwilliger Jones, 5, Building Lego and playing Roblox

Donald Trump is pulling out? Alright! That’s great to hear! Donald Trump Jr. is a piece of shit! He should never have been born. Now that Trump is pulling out, he won’t be born! Wait, hold on, Mommy’s telling me the facts of life real quick, be right back, okay?

Shit. He should’ve pulled out 41 years ago, that sloppy, obnoxious fuckgiblet. Can I go back to picking my nose, please? It’s sure to produce much smarter results than the whining, cucky piece of shit in the White House, fam.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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