President Trump Grateful Coronavirus Self-Quarantine Doesn’t Preclude Him From ‘Intimate Times’ With The Ones He Loves

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump told Americans watching a Fox News town hall on the coronavirus outbreak today that he was “bigly grateful” self-quarantining does not keep from having his “special intimate times” with ones he loves.

“One thing I told the medical nerds — that’s what I call the CDC by the way — was that I was really, really worried about self-quarantines keeping the American people from getting their hibbity-dibbity on,” the president said when asked about how he’s personally handling self-isolation. “Because, people may not want to talk openly about it, but intimate times — that’s what we call it in my family — are so very, very important to maintaining a quality of life worth living.”

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During the town hall, Trump also said he’d like to see the country back to its usual ways by Easter. From shore to shore, state governors and local municipalities have effectively shut their economies down, barring citizens from doing much more than grocery shopping, visiting a doctor, or doing moderate exercise while maintaining a distance of six feet from others. Medical experts, however, have cautioned against “opening the country up,” as Trump put it, too soon.

“Whether or not we open everything back up now, six weeks weeks from now, or six years from now,” Trump said in a segment that has since been deleted, “I’m just glad that we’ll be able to continue to get super intimate with the ones we love. You can’t socially distance yourself from your own family unit. I was just telling a certain hot-as-fuck daughter of mine that very thing, believe it or not. So hopefully she got the message. But of course she did; she’s hot. And hot people are just smarter than non-hots. It’s one of the reasons I’m so smart, you see, because of how hot I am.”

There’s no denying it’s been the most tumultuous period his presidency has seen so far, and that, Trump says, is why he — and every other American — need to feel like they can still “carry on with some business as usual,” even during the coronavirus quarantine.

“What good is living, if we can’t still be physically intimate with the ones we love? What good is life if all the romance and beauty is drained from it,” Trump asked. “I’d say life just simply is not worth living if we can’t make love with the ones we love the most, wouldn’t you? Of course you would.”

Just then, First Lady Melania Trump walked by. The cameras cut to her, and then back to Trump, who had a disgusted look on his face. Then, his Real First Lady, Ivanka Trump, came into view. A smile from ear to ear came over the president’s face. He watched Ivanka the entire time she crossed in front of him. When she dropped a pen she’d been carrying to take some notes, Trump craned his neck to get a better look at her rear end.

“I mean, gimme a break, right,” Trump asked, gesturing wildly with his thumb toward his daughter. “Imagine being stuck inside all day with that piece of ass and not being able to hit it whenever you wanted? Kill me know, guys, if that ever becomes the case.”

Ivanka, hearing her father, laughed a small laugh and playfully rolled her eyes.

“Oh, DADDY! Youre so BAD,” Ivanka said, teasing her father. “But not at everything, Daddy! You’re great at being president! You’re the greatest president, ever Daddy! Everyone knows that. Everyone just loves you. You’re the best, best, best, best, BESTEST president ever!”

Ivanka stood there, her hand stretched out, waiting. On cue, Trump plopped six hundred dollars in cash into her hand. Ivanka took the money, stuffed it into her bra, letting her father see just a little bit of what was in it, and then walked off. Reporters were apparently throwing up in their mouths as the cameras kept rolling.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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