WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the President of the United States issued an edict, demanding that all whistles and things that can whistle be removed from the White House grounds “immediately and without any bigly delays.” President Trump Trump specifically banned teapots and tea kettles from the White House as well.
“I won’t stand for it! I will not stand for any more whistle blowing in administration,” Trump shouted at reporters in the Oval Office today. “That’s why I have ordered all the teapots taken out of this place. If I had known they’d snitch on me, I would’ve been drinking coffee this whole time. You never heard of a coffee pot whistleblowing on anyone, have you?”
Mr.Trump has found himself this week at the center of yet another firestorm of controversy. Reportedly, a whistleblower at an intelligence agency was so unnerved by a promise they say Mr. Trump made to a foreign leader that they filed a whistleblower complaint. The White House and Department of Justice have been working to block the complaint from becoming public. Federal law allows the whistleblower to go straight to Congress in such an even as being blocked by the executive branch.
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“Honestly, I’m not even sure why any American thinks they can stop me from making whatever promises to whomever I want to,” Trump yelled. “Bill Barr, my personal Attorney General, told me that pretty much the Constitution says I can think, say, and most importantly do anything I want to. So, I’m not even sure why me trying to openly collude with a foreign government again is even being discussed in a way that implies I’m not allowed to literally do everything I want. But I assure you, Barr will be here shortly to wag his finger and smugly insist he’s right, no matter how illogical it is for a country without monarchy to have a kingly president.”
Mr. Trump angrily blasted “everyone who didn’t warn” him about the “dangers of whistles to presidents.”
“Nobody fucking told me I should be careful about whistling and whistlers,” Trump said. “I mean, whenever I fart, my a-hole whistles! Is my a-hole going to snitch on me now? Is my a-hole going to go and tattle like a little beotch, like that whistleblower did? Also, for the record, a-hole means my asshole!”
Beginning immediately, White House staff have been directed to take any and all teapots or kettles from the building and “throw them in the same fires we burned all those books in,” Trump said, referring to the book bonfires he holds every weekend with Stephen Miller.
“I don’t want any whistling being done around here. Period. If whistling is what’s going to get me impeached, then by God no one and nothing is gonna be whistling around here,” Trump bellowed. “I’m not even gonna let Miller whistle ‘Dixie’ around here anymore, no matter how catchy a tune that is!”
Moments later, Trump accused the Obama administration of “forcing” him to hire his own team of people, one of which “snitched like a big ol’ betacuck bitch” on him, he said.
“I’m fairly sure, and Bill Barr says this is absolutely true if it comes out of my word hole, that Obama pulled some dirty Democrat Sharia Voodoo on me,” Trump said. “He forced me to appoint my own national security and intelligence team, one of whom obviously turned on me and snitched like a big ol’ betacuck bitch! And I will not stand for this!”
Before chasing the reporters out of the Oval Office, Trump stated that he “shouldn’t have even had to” demand the White House be stripped of whistles and whistling things.
“Again, let me just say this one more time,” Trump yelled. “Nobody has the right to tell me what to do, or what to say. But more importantly, nobody has the right to hold me accountable for what I end up saying and doing. I AM PRESIDENT! A very narrow group of people in three states gave me barely just enough votes to win, which automatically makes me your God Emperor King! It’s in the Constitution, and even if it isn’t? Who cares! Barr will back me up, and my base will gleefully treat me like royalty as long as I keep saying things like, ‘ooga booga socialism,’ and ‘ooga booga brown people.’ So really, let’s just cut the bullshit and hand me a crown and scepter because this whole voting thing is dumb and a waste of time, frankly.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”