WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump issued an executive order from within the Oval Office, demanding that “the dictionary” change the definition of the word “treason.”
Mr. Trump didn’t specify which dictionary he was issuing his order to. He also didn’t given any indication that he knows there are more than one dictionary in the world. However, that did not stop him from slashing his massive crayon across the order as he spoke to various right-wing media outlets about what the order entails.
“From this point forward, I hereby order, by royal presidential decree, that the word treason will be changed in the dictionary,” Trump said as he signed the order. “From this day forward, anyone who doesn’t clap for me, smile at me, tell me I’m awesome, or otherwise stroke my ego is branded treasonous, and, I really bigly hate to say this folks, but they should be executed immediately, as it says in the Consto-toot-in.”
Pressing a button on his desk for a Diet Coke, which was delivered in short order by White House adviser Stephen Miller, Trump told reporters from Breitbart, InfoWars, and Mike Cernovich’s blog, that he was mistaken to imply that Congressional Democrats who didn’t clap or stand during his State of the Union address were potentially guilty of treason at a pro-Trump rally the next day. An audience member shouted the word when Trump spoke about the dour response Dems gave him, and the president seemed to encourage that line of thinking.
Though the White House defended Trump’s comments as him just joking or kidding around, many people from his own party publicly chastised President Trump for his implication. The order to amend the word “treason” in the dictionary to have a new meaning is related to the backlash, Trump admitted.
“It was really wrong of me to say that, before I issued this order,” Trump said. “Because it’s not the plebs’ fault if they’re being treasonous without realizing it. Just like, for totally hypothetical instance, someone, or multiple someones one your campaign staff colludes with the same government run by the same oligarchs who are the only ones who will give you money anymore, and you barely, like, hardly at all knew about it at the time. That’s not collusion. So you know, same-same, really.”
“The new definition should be super easy to remember. So pretty much just, ‘Anything that hurts the president’s feelings’ would work,” Trump declared.