HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Tinseltown is abuzz this morning. Rumors in the trades were swirling all last week, and now confirmation has been received from Harvey Weinstein’s new movie studio that he will be producing a film based on the life of the late Roger Ailes. The film will be directed by Bill Cosby, and in a truly unforeseen development, Ailes will be played by none other than sitting U.S. President, Donald J. Trump.
There is no screenwriter currently attached to the project, but sources close to the deal say that Trump may ask the writers of Breitbart to put in a joint effort. Barring that, Woody Allen is a name that’s been bandied about to write the script. In an interview with a radio station in Oregon, Mr. Weinstein explained how and why the different creative elements of the project came together.
“We really wanted to tell the story of Roger Ailes from a perspective that people he’s inspired would relate,” Weinstein explained, adding, “When you really want the sexual misconduct in your movie to seem genuine and authentic, you come to me. Then you cast Trump. This is a no-brainer.”
Weinstein was asked by the radio hosts why President Trump was asked to play the part of Ailes.
“Well, he already plays the part of a human being every day,” Weinstein explained, “so he could do this part pretty well, I’m thinking.”
Mr. Weinstein did hint that even though “from a character description standpoint” Trump is a “perfect match” for Ailes, there were some scheduling concerns he and his new studio execs had when they approached him.
“We know he has a very busy schedule being the president and all,” Weinstein said, “and so we made sure to schedule all his scenes around his golf outings, and that way he can shoot when he’d ordinarily not be doing anything else anyway.”
Gil Stambaugh, a movie critic for InfoWars, says that he thinks this movie “might be the most important film since Birth of a Nation or some of Hitler’s finer propaganda films.”
“Oh, I expect this movie will be a real tour de rape,” Stambaugh told us via Skype.
Veteran casting agent Sylvia Wiffleboot told us she’s “shocked, appalled and disgusted” by the idea of a movie that puts Roger Ailes in “any positive light whatsoever.” She said as a female she’s outraged that Weinstein was able to just start a new studio when so many of his alleged victims can’t pick up and start anew themselves. However, Wiffleboot told us, she at least sees why this film could “work on paper.”
“This is something that makes a lot of sense from a casting perspective,” Wiffleboot told us, “After all, despite some conservatives mocking Weinstein because he’s a liberal, he’s also pretty much the same guy as Trump — rich, white, powerful, and untouchable. The two are really a match made in sexual predator heaven.”
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Skip Malloy has been covering the movie industry for Optional magazine for twenty-two years and he says he’s never seen a more “horrific and criminally predatory” subject for a film than that of Roger Ailes. But, Malloy says, he won’t be at all surprised if Trump is able to pull off “the performance of his chubby orange life.”
“Donald Trump has been preparing himself for this role as a method actor his whole life,” Malloy told us, “He may win an Oscar or Golden Globe for this performance.”
Fox News host Sean Hannity weighed in on the announcement on his show, visibly fighting back tears and complaining about “suddenly having a massive boner.”
“Every good clean, ammo hoarding, gun toting, God fearing American patriot knows that Hollywood is disgusting and full of leftist loonie liberals who hate America,” Hannity declared, “and we all know Harvey Weinstein is a godless heathen Democrat and sexual predator. But you know, if he’s going to make a movie about Roger Ailes and use our Dear President in the main role, he’s clearly not as much a cuck as I thought!”
Not much is known about the content of the film at this time, but rumors are that the opening scene will feature Trump, as Ailes, sitting in a chair, watching old re-runs of Bill O’Reilly’s show, “The O’Reilly Factor.” Ailes will draw his last breath, and in that final moment of his life, utter a phrase no one is quite sure the meaning of until the very end of the film.
“Gross pud,” Trump will whisper as Ailes, expiring.
Anthony Wiener, Bill O’Reilly, and Eric Bolling are all expected to make cameos. Speculation is that former Republican Speaker of the House Denny Hastert will play Jerry Sandusky. The film is slated to begin principal photography next year, with a release date targeted for late 2019 or early 2020.