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Saturday, January 28, 2023

Gun Rights Activist: President Trump’s The ‘Right Shade Of Gun Grabber’

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — For the entire eight years of the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya), Jethro Bohiggins was on an “eternal vigilant watch over the Second Amendment.” Bohiggins, a semi-prominent right-wing Facebook page owner, podcaster, and amateur goat breeder, says that he spent nearly every moment of Obama’s presidency in a state of hyper-awareness of gun laws. Jethro would stay up late at night, scouring Internet message boards run by other, similarly focused “patriots and ammo hoarders,” looking for any signs that Obama was going to come and grab his guns.

“We just all knew, flat out, that Obama was coming for our guns. We just weren’t gonna let that happen,” Bohiggins told his podcast audience this morning. “And, fam, I’m pleased that only through our vigilance, Obama didn’t take away our guns, or even put us in FEMA camps. Again, the only reason these things didn’t happen is that we were constantly warning people it was going to happen any second, as soon as we let our guard down.”

Guns are, to Jethro, the only reason that America remains free. However, he says it’s not just the right to own a gun for defensive purposes that makes America the most free nation in the world, it’s the fact that since a 2008 Supreme Court ruling, the Second Amendment has been interpreted to mean Americans have a right to any firearm they want. Bohiggins says that “freedom ain’t really freedom unless you can buy fifteen semiautomatic weapons for whatever purpose you want.”

“Bottom line is that without the ability to own an entire arsenal, life ain’t worth living, and I ain’t really gonna be able to pursuit my happiness, fam,” Bohiggins said.

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As much as Jethro hated Obama for his “never ending plotting to take America’s guns way,” he admitted on his latest show that when President Donald Trump said during a bipartisan meeting on gun control and school safety that he thinks cops should be able strip guns from people without due process, he was “very intrigued” and ultimately supportive of this idea.

“By the time you go to court, it takes so long to go to court, to get the due-process procedures. I like taking the guns early,” he said during the hour-long televised meeting. “Take the guns first and go through due process second.” (Source)

“Look, even though Obummer never said it out loud, we all knew that every second of every minute, of every hour, of every day, of every month, of every year, that bastard was in office he was thinking about taking our guns away, and that would have been certain doom for this country,” Jethro ranted. “But, Trump? Sure, he said, out loud, that he’s kinda a gun grabber at heart. But I’m fine with it, know why? ‘Cuz he’s just the right shade of gun grabber for me, fam.”

As he concluded his segment on gun control this morning, Jethro said that Trump made him examine the gun issue from a different light.

“You know, maybe we as a society have a responsibility that comes with our rights, all of them,” Jethro said. “And maybe what Trump is trying to say is that as a precaution we could take someone’s guns from them when they’re accused of a crime that would mean that they shouldn’t have a gun, but they could still go through due process. Maybe, in the end, we have to be adults about all our freedoms, because we’re starting to get kids killed.”

Jethro paused. For a brief moment his laptop was playing a YouTube video from a speech former President Barack Obama made while still in office about respecting the Second Amendment while also showing respect for everyone’s right to live. Jethro spat, and threw a coffee mug across the room he records his podcast in, angering his mother and father who were busy watching Fox News in the other room.

“THAT SON OF A BITCH WAS GONNA TAKE OUR GUNS,” Jethro screamed, ending his podcast for the day.

Satire can also be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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