Prime-Time Trump Border Address Will Be Broadcast In English, Spanish, and Moron

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Trump delivers his prime time Oval Address on what he’s calling a “crisis” at the southern border, his speech will be broadcast in English, Spanish, and the language of morons.

“Primarily the speech will be delivered in Trump’s native tongue, but we knew that we’d need to get translations into English and Spanish on the fly,” White House media communications liaison Tom Thompaulsen told reporters on the White House lawn today. “Finding someone to translate the president into English was pretty easy, but Stephen Miller purged the executive branch of anyone with even a vaguely Mexican-ish sounding name last year, so that was the tricky part.”

Sources say that Trump’s speech will be kept very brief — to about seven or eight minutes.

“He begged us to extend it so he could treat it like one of his campaign rallies during the mid-terms,” Thompaulsen said. “That plan was a non-starter though because there was no way we could get enough books for a bonfire on such short notice. We were able to convince him to keep his speech brief by reminding him he’d be in bed with the First Lady sooner if he kept it short. Once he confirmed Ivanka was in town this week, it was an easy sell, really.”

The need for a translator at all was first vexing to the president, Thompaulsen revealed.

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“We told him that the people who will understand his speech in moron aren’t the ones who need to hear it,” Thompaulsen said. “Those people hear people speaking moron in their ears from their morning commute with Hannity, to their evening hate-rage-jerk-off fest with Laura Ingraham and Hannity again later that night on Fox. It’s the libtards that need to understand him, and libtards speak that hoidy-toidy form of language called ‘English,’ so here we are. Face to face. A couple of silver spoons.”

With the government set to enter its third week in a shutdown stalemate, it’s unclear just how much impact this Oval Office address will have. Thompaulsen says that Trump is committed to keeping the government closed for a very long time, if he needs to in order to secure border wall funding. There’s another reason that Trump is confident that keeping the federal government closed is a good thing for him, in the end.

“His boss is totally okay with the United States government being shuttered,” Thompaulsen said. “So, when your employer sends you a Kushner back channel message to ‘Keep it up, comrade,’ you listen to that message.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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