69.1 F
Los Angeles
Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Pro-Life Evangelical Christian Explains Why Grandma Has to Die to Save Boeing Stock Prices

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Bill Millen, an outspoken and devout supporter of President Donald J. Trump, told his tele-congregation this week that America’s seniors “simply must be willing to sacrifice themselves” for the greater good, which Millen says is the “continued boom of the Trump Economy.”

“Folks, I come to you today, as ever, in service of the Lord. He has spoken to me. The Lord Thy God slid into my Twitter DMs, and he told me something you all should take heed of,” Millen told his flock from within the confines of his home television studio. “You must get back to work, as soon as our Dear President says you should. We’re all concerned about our grandmas and grandpas, but frankly, if Grandma must die, then let her die, if that’s what must happen to save Boeing’s stock prices. Amen.”

President Trump Grateful Coronavirus Self-Quarantine Doesn’t Preclude Him From ‘Intimate Times’ With The Ones He Loves

Millen urged his viewers to “heed the advice of the administration” and get back to work as quickly as their state and local officials would let them. However, Millen warned that they may have to be willing to break stay at home or shelter-in-place orders in order to “answer a higher calling.”

“And that higher calling is from President Donald J. Trump, the most clearly and obviously Christian president of all time,” Millen said. “He commandeth you to open up the country by Easter, and by God that’s exactly what you should do! If you’re older, or have an underlying health condition, be not afraid! Surely, though you may die, I ask of you this, friends — who among us would not be willing to die to save Boeing’s stock prices? Who among us would not willingly lay down our own lives — as Jesus himself did — for the sake of American Airlines’ profit margins…as Jesus himself did?”

Rev. Millen said he “completely understands” why elder Americans might “feel trepidation about venturing out into the world” without a COVID-19 vaccine or widely accepted treatment. However, Millen said it’s “God’s will, and more importantly Trump’s too,” that they help do their part to get the economy going again. Millen compared seniors martyring themselves for capitalism to the crucifixion of Christ.

“Jesus knew what he had to do. He knew the sacrifice he had to make, and he made it, gladly. You know, he wasn’t even forty years old either,” Millen recounted. “Now, are you better than Jesus? Are you not willing to do the same thing Jesus did? You’ve all lived probably twice, maybe even three times as long as Jesus did. Is it fair that he had to die so young, and you got to live well into your seventies, eighties, or beyond? I ask you this — what better, more nobler sacrifice is there than to die so that Fortune 500 companies don’t have to suffer? Won’t someone, anyone, please think of the Fortune 500s?”

Millen said that his “extreme pro-life views” aren’t challenged by his belief that some people need to die in sacrifice to the economy.

“Yes, I am very pro-life. I’m so pro-life it hurts, frankly, to think about how pro-life I am,” Millen said. “But I’m also much more pro-money. Super-duper-duper pro-money. In fact, you might say I’m so pro-money that I pretend like I haven’t paid for at least six abortions myself and that I’m very much so pro-life. Wait. What was I saying? Let’s sing a hymn.”

McConnell: “How Dare Democrats Play Games With The Republicans’ Corporate Slush Fund In Times Like These?!”

Like what you read? Consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
Latest news
Related news


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.



Popular categories