WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the firestorm of controversy swells around his call with the Ukrainian president, President Donald J. Trump has pivoted again, this time claiming that he has the right under the powers of the Constitution to “do a quid, a pro, and a quo all at once” based on the concept of “Executive Privilege.”
Speaking to reporters a day after releasing a summary of transcripts of the call between himself and the Ukrainian president, President Trump insisted that even if he did attempt to pressure a foreign government to help him win an election, that was not impeachable. Mr. Trump said that he’s been “told many, many times” by Attorney General Bill Barr that literally anything he does is legal and constitutional. Mr. Trump told the media that any attempt he made at arranging a quid pro quo agreement for an investigation into former Vice President Joe Biden would be “completely and totally covered by Executive Privilege.”
“Here’s the thing, everything I do is legal. If the president does it, it’s legal. We established that in the Nixon era,” Trump said. “But even if it wasn’t constitutional, I have this thing called Executive Privilege which means I get to hide whatever-the-fuck I want from whoever-the-fuck I want to hide it from, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Not one of you can do anything about it.”
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Farting, Trump continued.
“Does that sound like something a society built on equality, freedom, and self-governance would stand for? Of course not,” Trump said, picking his nose and wiping it on Stephen Miller, “but clearly at this point, the horse is out of the barn. Nobody batted an eyelash as the executive branch of our government sucked up more and more power while it was average politicians who were doing the sucking. But now all of a sudden we wanna freak out and impeach when it’s a slimy, full-fledged lifelong white collar criminals, like your favorite president? Bullshit.”
Mr. Trump squeezed another squeaker from his rectum, and pushed forward.
“I literally get to say and do whatever I want, and it’s all secret under executive privilege,” Trump insisted. “Look at the whistleblower. First of off, I banned whistles and whistling in MY White House for a reason. But more importantly, look at how we were able to shut that whistleblower up for a few days so we can hack up the transcripts of the call? And then we get to hide those misdeeds under executive privilege. What a brilliant setup! I wish I’d have had executive privilege when my first two wives asked I if I was stepping out on them!”
Claiming he’d had “way too much KFC” the night before, Trump continued to fart and talk.
“Man, times like these I miss Sarah Huckabee. I could blame so many farts on that dog and she’d just keep on taking it,” Trump said with sadness in his voice. “Anyway, let me reiterate this — under our interpretation of executive privilege, I can murder someone and you can’t do anything about it. I could steal your car, and you can’t ask me about it, because, again, executive privilege.”
Pushing extra hard, Trump got one more pretty foul smelling fart out of his bowels, and wrapped up his impromptu press conference.
“So, one last time I just want to say it, because I know you FAKE NEWS ANGRY BOB MUELLER CROOKED HILLARY LOCK HER UP URANIUM ONE JOE BIDEN’S SON MEDIA won’t get it right unless I say it a million times,” Trump said, “I’m above the law. I’m better than you. Because I’m president. Sure that’s not in the Constitution. Sure that flies in the face of what we’re all taught about our government in the third grade. But, and I cannot stress this enough — I don’t fucking care. And neither does Bill Barr. So, and let me be very clear here, suck it.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.