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Monday, June 5, 2023

Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos Convince White House to Rush Thousands of Rakes to Amazon Headquarters

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has issued an order to the United States Postal Service to rush ship as many rakes is as possible to Amazon’s corporate headquarters. At the suggestion of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson and Education Secretary Betsy Devos, and after the plan was signed off on by Energy Secretary Rick Perry, the rakes are being sent as quickly as possible to Amazon’s HQ in order to help put out the fire that the Trump administration believes is threatening to burn down warehouse after warehouse of merchandise the online retail behemoth would sell to its millions of customers throughout the country. 

“When someone first told me the Amazon’s on fire, at first I was confused because I didn’t know that they built actual stores,” President Trump explained to reporters today, “but then they explained it better to me, and now I get it. It’s not a store that’s on fire, it’s their entire headquarters! I hate Jeff Bezos, but I also love getting 2-day shipping on my Bugles I order by the case load. So since this effects me in some way, I simply must act!”

The idea to send the rakes to Amazon’s headquarters started during a brainstorming session between Carson and DeVos. Both cabinet officials are quite intimately aware of their boss’s strong belief in using rakes to fight fires. They presented their idea to the president over the weekend, via Skype, while he was the G-7 summit. 

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“I had an idea to follow the Commander in Chief’s lead, and send rakes to Amazon,” Carson said, “and once I found out that the pyramids no longer stored our American rake reserves, I knew we had to act fast to find a different source of rakes.”

It was Secretary DeVos’ suggestion that the administration buy the rakes from Amazon and then have them shipped to Amazon.

“I just figured if we ordered the rakes from the same place they needed to go, it would cut out the middle man,” DeVos said with a shrug. “I can’t really explain where any of my really good ideas come from, though. They’re like magic!”

According to several sources close to the situation, it took some careful cajoling to get Mr. Trump to go along with the plan.

“As everyone knows, there is no love lost between the president and Jeff Bezos because of how The Washington Post refuses to quit reporting the truth and quoting him accurately,” one aide told us on the condition of anonymity, “but once we reiterated to him that the fastest way for him to get his Bugle snacks is through his Amazon Prime account, he was sufficiently convinced that he was somehow personally impacted, and that spurred him into action.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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