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Monday, June 5, 2023

Rally Crowd Shocked and Dismayed When President Tells a Single Truth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a campaign rally in North Carolina this week, President Donald Trump did his usual routine. He ginned up his base by attacking Democrats, the press, and immigrants. He also told the usual number of lies, according to independent fact checkers. In one particularly brazen untruth, Trump made a claim about illegal voting in California with absolutely zero evidence to prove that claim. However, it was when Trump let something other than a lie slip out that things got momentarily awkward, tense, and confusing among the rally goers.

“And another thing,” Trump shouted, “what’s up with the eighteen trillion illegal Mexicans voting in California? Does it have to do with Crooked Hillary, Benghazi, and Uranium One? OF COURSE IT DOES!”

The crowd roared, and Trump kept on going.

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“Also? Obama was born in Kenya and tried to do a coop on me,” Trump shouted, again to the crowd’s utter delight. “He started this illegal coop where he had a Republican-appointed counterintelligence and law enforcement team investigate me, a Republican, and try to bring me down from within. I cannot prove this, but you know it’s true because I, your most favorite-est and bestest president ever, say it’s true, right?”

The crowd again roared its approval, spurring Trump to continue.

“Not only is climate change a Chinese hoax, the entire country of China is a Chinese hoax,” Trump yelled. 

Again, his base of supporters at the rally cheered. This was the stuff they came to see. Trump, ever the showman, continued.

“Don’t forget! We also know FOR A TOTAL FACT that every poll, literally every poll was rigged against me,” Trump said, delighting his audience. “It’s not that we don’t understand the difference between polling and prediction, it’s that they RIGGED them! Against us! BELIEVE ME!”

The crowd was really into it now.

“Benghazi was an inside job,” Trump said, to even louder cheers. “Aliens are watching over us! Flouride in the water makes frogs gay!”

The sound of the crowd roaring was almost deafening.

“Killary Clinton has a personal hit list of over a million people she’s literally murdered with her bare hands,” Trump shouted. “And don’t get me started on how Obama literally took all your guns away and now you don’t have any guns anymore!”

It seemed like no matter what the president said, his supporters would believe it and cheer for it. When he told them that he personally talked to Abraham Lincoln and thanked him for freeing the slaves because that gave the idea to “lower unemployment for the blacks,” the arena erupted in cheers. When Trump told them the Constitution was actually written by his great Aunt Petunia, chants of, “PETUNIA TRUMP! PETUNIA TRUMP!” echoed throughout the room.

But then, things took a sharp turn, leaving Trump to scramble for the audience’s approval once more.

“Before I forget, boy is water wet, eh? I tell you what, the other day I took a shower, and I came out completely wet,” Trump said, almost instantly hushing the crowd. “Yup, nothing will ever change the fact that water is very wet.”

Shocked, stunned silence filled a once raucous arena. A man shouted from the rafters.

“That’s what the LIBTARDS tell us, Mr. Pres-o-Dent! How can you betray our good, clean, patriotic patriots who simply have a deeply held religious belief that the sky is purple,” the man shouted surprisingly clearly and cogently.

Trump stammered for a moment. Shockingly, he too was quiet. Then, after making a scrunched up face and letting a fart rip, he smiled. He knew exactly how to get the crowd back.

“THAT MAN IS FAKE NEWS! GET HIM,” Trump commanded, “I hereby order you to rip that man limb from limb! He’s obviously a part of the VIOLENT left…now KILL HIM!”

The crowd as back on his side. President Trump watched with glee as a few dozen MAGA hat wearing men pummelled the other Trump supporter who dared to question Dear President. Later, Trump would tweet that he has “no idea why the fake news media keeps saying I got a crowd of angry MAGA hat wearing men to viciously attack another supporter for questioning me.”

“It was all fake news! Don’t believe your lying eyes or ears,” Trump tweeted. “Believe your lying president instead!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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