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Monday, June 5, 2023

Rapinoe Will Visit Hillary Clinton’s House Instead of the White House

LYON, FRANCE — Recently, a report from our sister publication, Satirical Facts reported about soccer star Megan Rapinoe getting and accepting an invitation to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s home. The invitation came as Rapinoe and her teammates were wrapping up their second straight world cup victory. 

“Megan was built for this,” Ellis said, shaking her head while sitting inside a news conference room at the Stade de Lyon, “built for these moments, built to be a spokeswoman for others.” (The Failing New York Times)

Rapinoe was asked a couple of weeks back whether she would attend a celebratory event at the White House, should the team win. It has become customary for the sitting president to host championship sports teams from the NFL, Major League Baseball, and the major men’s and women’s soccer teams. However, Ms. Rapinoe made it abundantly clear she would not be attending any functions on Pennsylvania Avenue that are hosted by President Donald Trump.

“I’m not going to the fucking White House,” she scoffed when asked if she was excited at the prospect of such a visit during interview clips Eight by Eight magazine released Tuesday. (HuffPost)

While Ms. Rapinoe said before the final championship game in France that she didn’t think many of her teammates would also attend a White House celebration of their efforts, word from the team is that she has accepted an invitation from someone else to visit their house.

“This morning, we reached out to Megan and everyone else on the U.S. women’s soccer team, and invited them over for a dinner to celebrate their accomplishments,” former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton told reporters as she left the house to pick up her dry cleaning this morning. “Bill and I thought it might be fun for Megan and the girls to meet a couple people who the majority of the country actually wanted to be president, instead of the guy who won a technicality.” (Satirical Facts)

Ms. Clinton says that Rapinoe almost immediately accepted her invitation, and that she plans on asking Megan about her experiences on the field.

“I want to know if she’s ever scored the most points in a game but ended up losing because of some obscure rule on the books that makes actual losers into winners,” Hillary said. “I wonder if she’s ever had that completely sinking, ridiculous feeling of having lost despite winning. Or if it’s just a, you know, F my L kinda situation only.”

Former Secretary Clinton won more than 3 million more votes on aggregate than Donald Trump in 2016. In fact, were it but for a few thousand votes spread out over less than five states of the fifty in the union going for Trump, Ms. Clinton would have been the first female President of the United States of America. Mr. Trump went onto become the least popularly elected president of all time, and his approval rating has never eclipsed the 50% mark, even at its absolute highest.

“I thought Megan might like to hang out with someone who knows what it’s like to work hard and win, instead of someone who knows what it’s like to pretend to work hard and have things given to him,” Clinton surmised. “I’m sure we’ll find plenty of stuff to talk about.”

Clinton thinks there could be “quite a few advantages” to skipping a White House dinner in favor of joining her and her family at her private residence.

“I don’t see Megan throwing down cold Big Macs and enjoying it, and after all these years I finally have Bill trained well enough to where he doesn’t think every lesbian he meets is a challenge to turn over to the straight team,” Hillary said, “so her pussy is in no danger of being grabbed here, which I cannot say with any confidence about the White House.”

Reps for Ms. Rapinoe could not be reached for comment.

Another Story: White House Drama: Eric Tells Ivanka ‘You Might Sleep With Dad, But You’re Not My Mom!’

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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