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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Ratcliffe: “Putin Has Assured Me Hunter Biden’s Laptop Isn’t Russian Disinformation”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning former Congressman John Ratcliffe, Director of National Intelligence, told Fox News host Maria Fartinromo that the laptop allegedly belonging to Hunter Biden that is at the center of a New York Post news article is not Russian disinformation.

American Dental Association Says Lying Through Your Teeth Greatly Increases Risk of Covid-19 Infection

However, this assertion made my Ratcliffe has already been called into question by many people who cite public reporting from other news outlets that the intelligence community warned the Trump administration that the Kremlin would be attempting to launder disinformation through former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Mr. Giuliani is the Post’s lynch pin, and his involvement in the story has thrown up many red flags.

Current polling shows that the Trump team’s focus on the laptop story may be paying off. According to a new survey released by polling company We Poll You So Hard shows that almost 89% of those who took the survey will not vote for Hunter Biden. The Trump campaign touted We Poll You’s latest effort in an email blast to donors, calling it “the clearest sign yet” that their efforts to smear Hunter are working.

“As more and more Americans realize that Hunter Biden is the wrong choice, we believe it can only help Dear President’s chances,” the campaign email boasts, “even if, technically, we already know he’s going to win anyway and the election is just a formality.”

This afternoon, just after he finished picking up his lunch, Mr. Ratcliffe was spotted leaving the D.C. area restaurant he made his order from. An unmasked Ratcliffe was asked if he would answer some questions when he was spotted by some reporters. He agreed, so long as he could eat his food in front of the reporters as he did so.

“Look, this is all very simple. The information I declassified is, like, so totes legit, comrades,” Ratcliffe began, food spittle flying everywhere, “and I don’t know why you guys wouldn’t take my word for it! You act like I was some kind of Trump sycophant in Congress or something!”

Ratcliffe took a giant bite out of his pastrami sandwich with extra Russian dressing, which smeared on his chin as she spoke.

“But, hey, if you don’t wanna trust me, just because I lied about my qualifications so badly they had to withdraw my nomination to this post, and I only got it using a technicality when the last guy was even more insanely stupid than me,” Ratcliffe said, “then so be it. I will say though, this is why the American people don’t trust the media. It’s definitely not because we tell 30% of the country that you’re all lying to them even though you’re not.”

DNI Ratcliffe took yet another massive bite from his sandwich. He was asked how he could be so sure that the information he declassified was legitimate. Laughing and spraying spit and food particles everywhere as he did so, Ratcliffe denied that was a possibility at all.

“How do I know it’s not Russian disinformation? Are you kidding me,” Ratcliffe asked with rhetorical incredulity, “I’ll tell you how I know. Vladimir Goddamn Putin himself gave me assurances. Putin told me Hunter Biden’s laptop isn’t Russian disinformation. So, you know, yeah. Right?”

Ratcliffe ran off before the reporters could ask him any more questions.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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