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Monday, June 5, 2023

Restaurant Brands International Announces New “Retail Euthanasia” Venture

TORONTO, SOCIALIST HELL HOLE OF CANADA — As Burger King takes less and less share of the Burger market every year, Restaurant Brands International (RBI) — BK’s parent company — has decided to get into a new line of business with a slogan that plays on their classic, well-known slogan.

“Death, The Way You Like It!”

RBI’s VP of Business Development Ken Defuqfac`e released a statement via Twitter over the holiday weekend:

Let’s be honest, the earth is going to shit. No one will have a job but the Jews and people who are ok with them existing. The sea levels are rising. There was a black president. The world is going to hell in a handbasket real fuckin’ fast.

Death King takes that all away. Do something you have always wanted to do, and then CHECK THE FUCK OUT IN STYLE!

The best part? Our cremations and broiled, never fried.


When we interviewed Mr. Defuqfac`e he was elated about attention for this new venture for his company.

“This is my baby. And I am gonna kill it! Get it! GET IT,” Defuqfac`e laughed heartily, pounding the rest of his Molson Ice and raising the empty bottle with his right hand to the bartender with three fingers up on his left.

Ken may have been drinking well before our reporter arrived. The interview took place at a bar by Drake’s house at 1pm.

“Wanna bang a stripper in front of your wife while you blow your whole 401Kocaine,” Defuqfac`e asked our reporter, “Death King can can make allllll the arrangements!

Our reporter asked exactly what Defuqfac`e meant.

“You ever fantasize about raping an Antifa Member?” he asked.

Our reporter said “no,” and was about to remind Defuqfac`e that he represents a publicly traded company, when the executive screamed loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear, “As long as you are willing to die after, we can send you out pretty much any way you like!”

As it turns out Defuqfac`e is right. In states where euthanasia is legal and reasonable NDA and estate regulations are on the books, this really is a viable business model. $5,000 gets a customer a normal burial after they die “like a chump,” Defuqfac`e explained.

With service packages starting at $25,000, Death King gets you death, the way YOU like it!

Peter Pumpslam
Peter Pumpslam
Peter Pumpslam is a veteran journalist based in New York City. He was born Pete Pumpslammè to French Canadian wrestlers in Quebec in 1974. He has a tattoo of his cat "Suqadic" on his inner thigh. His journalism has been published so many times it's bananas.
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