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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Remington Introduces New Smocking Gun Marketed to Painters and Traitors

MADISON, NORTH CAROLINA — One of the world’s leading firearms manufacturers announced during an investor call this morning that they will be releasing a new gun marketed for artists and people who sell their country’s democracy out for personal enrichment.

“Remington is super-duper stoked to announce the new Smocking gun,” Susie Macintosh, Remington’s Chief Sub-Deputy Investment Officer told those on the call. “It’s a gun designed for hands that paint, as well as hands that paint themselves into corners with their campaign finance crimes and ensuing cover-ups.”

In market research, Macintosh says that Remington found “glaring holes” in their revenue streams — artists and people who pretend to love the country while actually weakening it and surrendering its power to despots and criminals.

“We were actually quite stunned how few painters and treasonous, D-List reality-TV dotards didn’t actually own any guns,” Ms. Macintosh said. “We knew it was something we’d have to address, bigly.”

The Smocking Gun will be a handgun small enough to fit inside a painter’s smock and a desperate lunatic’s tiny hands, Macintosh said. Remington expects the gun to retail for $1500, but Macintosh says for $130,000 they’ll keep the gun purchase quiet.

“For 130 grand, no one needs to know what you’re making go bang — or who you’re banging,” Macintosh quipped. “We’ll also sell the gun in rubles, of course.”

The National Rifle Association, the National Association of Armed Painters, the White House, and the Kremlin have all issued statements of support for the Smocking Gun. 

“The NRA has always and will continue to support the design, manufacture, and sale of any gun. Any time, any place, anywhere, if there’s a gun there, the NRA will be there too, with full-on, turgid liberty boners,” NRA spokesperson Cash Gachette told reporters this morning in front of the NRA’s headquarters.

The Remington Smocking Gun should hit retail shelves just in time for an impeachment trial or presidential resignation.


James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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