WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Moscow) spent most of the third day of the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump attacking a Purple Heart veteran of the Iraq War, Col. Alexander Vindman. Blackburn’s attacks came as House impeachment manager Adam Schiff was relying on heavily on Vindman’s previous testimony before the House Intelligence Committee during its impeachment hearings last year. Vindman was one of several key members of the national security team who stepped forward and reported what they felt was an egregious and dangerous abuse of power when President Trump attempted to coerce politically-motivated investigations out of the newly elected President of Ukraine.
Blackburn was hammered on Twitter and elsewhere on social media for her brazen attacks on a man who has served his adoptive country for his entire adult life. Sen. Blackburn is one of Trump’s loudest and most loyal supporters, and he has retweeted her attacks on Vindman over the past couple of days. #MoscowMarsha was a hashtag that gained traction, as social media users expressed their opinion that she must be working on Russian President Vladimir Putin’s behalf to be quite so quick to attack Vindman, who himself immigrated from Russia to the United States with his family as a child.
As she came to the capitol building today, Blackburn was spotted by reporters. She explained that part of the reason she spent so much time on social media and Fox News shows attacking Vindman the previous day was that she found the presentation of Schiff and the other Democrats “dull.” She said she was “bored to death” by the proceedings and decided to lash out at a war hero to entertain herself.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how anyone else wouldn’t be completely bored by this trial. All they keep doing is reiterating over and over all their evidence of the president’s guilt,” Blackburn said. “But they haven’t mentioned Benghazi once! They haven’t mentioned Obama’s tan suit, or dark skin! I feel a little buried under Congressman Schiff’s mountain of irrefutable evidence of Trump’s guilt, and so I got bored and lashed out.”
Blackburn paused for a moment to take out her smartphone. She pulled down her pants, and asked an aide to take a picture of her “tightly puckered and perfectly bleached cinnamon hole.” Blackburn quickly put together a tweet that said, “Oh look, I found Vindman in my trousers this morning,” attached the picture of her anus, and sent the tweet.
“Sorry, just had to take a quick moment for myself there,” Blackburn said, returning her attention to the reporters. “This process has been flawed from the start, because they didn’t just take the president’s word for it. It’s been flawed because they didn’t call any of the witnesses that Trump said they couldn’t call and would forbid from testifying. They didn’t present any new evidence that the White House is blocking them from getting and has admitted they have! So, it’s just so so so so bo-rinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg!”
Blackburn had her aide take a picture of her flipping off a picture of Vindman. She directed her aide to send the picture as a tweet. As her aide did her bidding, she wrapped up her impromptu presser.
“I just want to reiterate — we are all bored with this deluge of evidence. We are just simply over hearing time and again about how Trump is a dirty, self-dealing, gelatinous sack of fuck,” Blackburn said. “Maybe if they’d present new evidence that the president is literally keeping from them, we’d be talking about it more. But for now, I need to get back to smearing someone with more courage in his left butt cheek than I have in my entire feckless body. Blackburn out!”
The senator snapped her fingers and disappeared in a sulfurous cloud of shame and corporate campaign donations.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.