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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Rittenhouse Judge Instructs Jurors to Plug Ears, Shout ‘La La La’ During Prosecution’s Closing

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — As prosecutors in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial present their closing arguments, jurors will not be permitted to listen to them. Judge Bruce Schroeder instructed the jurors that they are to put their fingers in their ears and shout “LA! LA! LA!” at their top of their lungs for the entirety of the prosecution’s presentation.

“What I am becoming increasingly worried about, frankly, is this prosecution attempting to sway you with evidence of Sweet Kyle’s guilt, and I will not stand for a good, clean, gun toting, red meat eating, red hat wearing MAGAboy being unfairly convicted of crimes in this court room, just because he may be guilty of committing crimes,” Scroeder explained.

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“Therefore, I am instructing you, the jury, to immediately place both of your index fingers into your ears before and during the prosecution’s closing argument. Then, once your fingers are firmly in your ears, I want you to start shouting, ‘LA! LA! LA!’ and you better do it with volume and force. I don’t want you hearing a single thing that might make you think it’s a bad idea for vigilante 17-year-olds with AR-15s to kill people instead of letting the actual police handle the situation.”

Should any juror fail to comply, Schroeder has threatened to declare a mistrial. However, he also intimated he’d go even further.

“I’ll mistrial this motherfucker so fast your head will spin, you hear me? You plug up your goddamn ears, or there will be hell to pay,” Schroeder warned.

“I’ll declare a mistrial, with prejudice, and he’ll never be tried again. Then, I’ll declare that he has to given six AR-15s as a way to say sorry for trying to hold him — a good, white boy — accountable for the people he murdered. I’ll have the prosecutors thrown in jail, and I will declare that only Don Trump can say when, or if, they’ll be let out. So, be warned, plug up your ears, shout ‘LA! LA! LA!’, or you will rue the day!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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