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Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Trump Says Supporters Will ‘Just Have to Settle’ for Making Suicide Pact Virtually During RNC 2020

WASHINGTON, D.C. — One of the most highly-anticipated events at this year’s Republican National Convention was to be the world’s largest suicide pact, entered into by all those in attendance. However, because the 2020 RNC had to be significantly pared down, and most of its functions moved to an online, or virtual setting, President Trump told reporters today that the suicide pact will have to be taken in the same way.

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“Quite frankly, this is all CHINA’S fault for intentionally making me bad at responding to the CHINA VIRUS,” Trump tried to explain from the Oval Office this morning. “We had planned one of the most beautiful ceremonies, where everyone was going to cut their palms, smash them together, drink a special potion, and then take the suicide pact oath together, too. It was gonna be something really, really, really special.”

The point of the suicide pact, Trump said, is to “reinforce” in his supporters minds that they need to be “willing to sacrifice everything” for his re-election and in service to him.

“Obviously if they’re already demanding their state open up their economies and are going to bars and beaches,” Trump said, “they’re doing the suicide pact already. Clearly they get how these things work because they’ve signed up all their kids’ teachers to die by re-opening their schools, but we wanted to have a very special thing for our people. It’s just that we were hoping to make it official during our convention.”

Even though the suicide pact will have to be taken virtually, President Trump assured his supporters there will still be “plenty of cool shit” for them to tune into the convention for. For example, as the Democratic National Convention featured several prominent Republicans who were throwing their support behind the Democratic nominee, Mr. Biden, the RNC will similarly feature Democrats who support the president. Each night of the convention will feature a prominent Democrat, Trump said.

“We’re gonna have the Democrats who started the KKK get up there and speak in support of me,” Trump said, “because I think it’s important for the American people to see I have bipartisan support just like Sleepy Joe does! I just hope having to take the pledge virtually doesn’t turn too many of my people off entirely!”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, there’s been quite a bit of RNC-related news to break this morning, as the convention kicks off. Our sister publication The Political Garbage Chute reported that the Trump administration secured a keynote address from someone whose support they think is “vital” and is sure to inspire enormous levels of support — a flaming cross.

“We are excited to announce a late addition to the lineup of speakers for this week’s truly bigly amazing Republican National Convention,” RNC deputy spokesperson Chad Beefington told reporters today. “If there’s one thing that Dear President’s supporters have in common, it’s a deep abiding love of flaming crosses. So when we were able to secure one to give the keynote address, we knew we had something truly special in store for everyone.” (PGC)

President Trump is the first formally impeached president to attempt re-election in American history.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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