Robert O’Rourke Pledges To Only Call His Opponent Rafael Or Zodiac For Remainder Of Campaign

LOS CHINGOS, TEXAS — In the Lone Star State, a Senate race is heating up between two men vying for. After the primary in their state last week, the field is set, and the incumbent in the race, Senator Ted Cruz (R), took the first shot at his opponent, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D) and took aim directly at his opponent’s nickname.

In ad that featured a novelty song entitled “If You’re Gonna Run In Texas,” Cruz blasted O’Rourke for going by the name Beto, which is a childhood nickname. Cruz claims that the name change is nothing but cynical politics, and that O’Rourke chose to go by that name to make himself more appealing to liberal voters. Cruz’s ad is almost entirely centered around mocking O’Rourke for not being an authentic Texan.

See the ad embedded in Cruz’s tweet, below.

Back in January, before the Democratic primary had been settled, O’Rourke and his surrogates were touting polls showing them within single digits of Cruz. Normally, a candidate might not boast about trailing an incumbent, but many on the Hill have put Cruz’s seat safely out of reach for Democrats for quite some time. The fact that Mr. O’Rourke is mounting such a campaign that he’s within striking distance is surely cause for concern, and this morning O’Rourke made an announcement he said he hopes puts the initial controversy of the campaign to bed.

“I pledge right now from this moment forward to only use given names during this campaign,” O’Rourke said at a campaign stop. “I’m proposing that Senator Cruz call me by given first name, Robert, and I will address him only as his his given name. Rafael, or maybe Zodiac.”

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“If Senator Cruz thinks my name is the only thing keeping me from defeating him, he hasn’t been paying attention to how loathed he is,” O’Rourke said. “Rafael’s criticisms of my name change are the perfect example of the kinds of naked hypocrisy this Canadian carpetbagger has become notorious for.”

Mr. O’Rourke conceded that he may not be the ideal candidate for Cruz, or someone like him, but he thinks he is a “nice alternative” for people who are fed up with Cruz’s antics in the Senate.

“Now look, I know I’m not a booger dripping from his nose, so I may not be all that appealing to Zodiac personally,” O’Rourke admitted. “But I think for a lot of Texans hungry for a change from the stale, trite Christofascism that Rafael offers, I could be quite a nice alternative to him. I mean, reading Green and Eggs and Ham and shutting down the government is fun for awhile, but I think there are many of you out there who are ready for an adult to be your Senator, and I hope you’re with me in November. So if you want Zodiac out of office this fall, vote for Robert O’Rourke!”

Senator Cruz didn’t immediately respond to requests for comment, but then again we didn’t ask him for comment because all of this is made up, Billy.

James‘ satire can be found on Alternative Science, The Pastiche Post, and The Political Garbage Chute.

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