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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Pat Robertson: “Jesus Died For Your Sins. The Least You Can Do Is Die For Trump’s Economy.”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson hasn’t done much to hide his support for President Donald Trump. Though Christ’s teachings were for his disciples to “pay Caesar what is due Caesar and pay God what is due God,” Robertson himself has never shied away from commenting on political issues. This morning, Robertson once more weighed-in on a controversial topic — when and how to re-open the nation’s economy.

“Folks, I know this coronavirus thing is scary. I know we could lose thousands of thousands of souls to it,” Robertson said, “but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. As Christians and as patriots we must know the value of sacrifice. That’s sacrifice to your God and to your country, and most importantly, to your president’s economy and chance of re-election.”

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Robertson insisted that Christ himself would “give the holy thumbs-up” to anyone going to back to work before COVID-19 testing is more widely available. That’s because, Robertson argued on his podcast, “Jesus was the man who put martyrdom and sacrifice in vogue.” Rev. Robertson implored American Christians to “think like Jesus thought” and go back to work immediately.

“Jesus died for your sins. The least you can do is die for Trump’s economy,” Robertson implored his audience. “So, sure, you can sit at home, all comfy on your couch, and wait for widespread testing or a vaccine, but I want you to think of someone. I want you to think of Jesus. He didn’t get to sit on his couch. He got hung on a cross. And you’re telling me you’re too scared of getting sick with a deadly disease to go make widgets? Yikes. That’s all I have to say. Yikes.”

The aging evangelical railed against Americans who choose to stay at home and continue to wait it out, calling them “cowards” and insinuating that they must think they’re “better than Jesus.”

“Wow, look at the big balls on you cowards who are going to keep staying home,” Robertson chided. “I guess you all must think you’re better than Jesus. Well, let me tell you something. No one is better than Jesus, except Donald Trump. And you aren’t him, so get back to work, you lazy hippies!”

Robertson joins a chorus of conservative Trump supporters demanding that the American people begin to return to work after about two months of being asked to not leave their homes unless absolutely necessary. Reports are that President Trump received advance intelligence reports of the nature of COVID-19 as early as last year, but ultimately his administration didn’t spring into action until March of this year.

“I just want to remind everyone that Jesus would have wanted you to go back to work. Yes, it might seem like in the Bible that Jesus would be in favor of taking care of people instead of profits and the economy,” Robertson conceded, “but I can assure you, that Jesus was very pro-capitalism and very pro-bootstrap. He would be very disgusted by the idea of people sheltering in place during a pandemic if only a few hundred measly thousand people were saved from certain death.”

In the end, Robertson says that “Americans have a choice to make.”

“They can either be like the one true son of God and sacrifice themselves, or they can be socialist cucks,” Robertson said. “You literally can’t have it any other way. You either do what Jesus did, or you rot in Hell after you die because you didn’t go back to work fast enough.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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