MILHOUSE, FLORIDA — Just outside a diner about fifteen minutes from his home, Roger Stone was stopped and asked by reporters this morning how he’s feeling. In 2019, Stone was arrested in connection to FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference on behalf of President Donald Trump during the 2016 election. Stone was ultimately convicted and sentenced to serve several years in prison, but last night was given a reprieve by Trump, who commuted his sentence.
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“I’m feeling good, real good,” Stone quipped. “Sure, the libtards got me, but I can’t help but feel good. Someone actually got arrested and thrown in jail for Hillary’s emails! Sure, it was me, and sure I’m still a fuckin’ dumbass, but do you know how hard I owned the libs just now? It totally owns the libs to be a traitor that has to get bailed out by his traitor dickhead friend! WINNING!”
Stone said that while he was hoping it would’ve been “Crooked Hillary who got the book thrown at her,” he got over his initial disappointment and shock of being raided and arrested by the FBI when he realized that at long last former Secretary of State Clinton’s emails got someone locked up. Mr. Stone had been one of many who started and promulgated the “Lock her up!” mantra used by so many Trump supporters during the election.
“Now I’m the one who got locked up. I could be sad, but I’m considering this a victory. It’s what Republicans know how to do best. Take reality, ignore it, and create a newer, better reality. One that doesn’t hurt your feelings. Then those new, better feelings become your facts,” Stone explained.
Mr. Stone indicated that he doesn’t think he has anything much to worry about.
“The president has pardon powers, and I’m one of his closest comrades,” Stone said. “Emphasis on comrade. Vlad will make sure Don does the right thing. I’m sure of it.”
In fact, Stone says he’s so unfazed by the events surrounding his arrest that he took the short time he had in jail last week to get a new, celebratory tattoo. Stone indicated he wanted to “mark the occasion” with something special. Lifting his shirt and turning around, Stone showed reporters his new tattoo, which he says was given to him by a “nice young urban.” Just above his the start of is buttocks, on his lower back, sits the face of President Trump, smiling.
“Now I got Dick on top, Don on the bottom,” Stone said with pride in his voice. “I couldn’t think of a more perfect place for Donny than right above the asshole, know what I mean?”
Reached for comment, the president said he is “bigly honored” by Stone’s new tattoo.
“It’s a great tattoo. Honestly, I’ve had some people tell me it’s the best tattoo they’ve ever seen, just because it’s, you know, my face,” Trump was overheard telling the First Lady in bed this morning. “I mean, I guess I should be worried that a guy who just got popped for lying to congress on my behalf about colluding with Russia is going to sing like a bird. But, you tell me…is the tattoo good? I think it’s good. Is the tattoo, good?”
Apparently the First Lady was watching the news and not paying attention to her lover enough for his liking.
“IVANKA! HELLLO?! IVANKA,” Trump could still be heard shouting at the time of publication.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.