WASHINGTON, D.C — Last month, Federal District Judge Amy Berman Jackson sentenced Roger Stone, a longtime political associate of President Donald Trump, to just over 3 years in prison after he was convicted of multiple felonies related to the Mueller probe. Stone, who became a figure in American politics after volunteering to do dirty work for former President Richard M. Nixon. During the 2016 election season, Stone was a prominent, outspoken supporter of Trump’s, and often boasted on Twitter and in media appearances to have connections to WikiLeaks and damaging information about former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who was challenging Trump for the presidency.
The subject of Stone’s sentence came to the fore this past week as President Trump began to take a personal interest in the case. Trump used his own Twitter account to blast Stone’s treatment, despite the fact that Stone was convicted by a jury on the counts of lying to Congress and obstruction of justice. Many believed that since Stone’s indictment came from the Mueller investigation Trump despises so much, that he was even more motivated to attempt to put his thumb on the scales of justice.
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“Of course, with a thumb as small as his, I don’t know how much he can really sway the judge,” one White House insider told us before the sentencing came down. “Still, it’s obvious that Barr took notice, because he did that ABC interview where he pretended to be upset with Trump’s tweets.”
Shortly after Trump publicly bellyached about prosecutors recommending a sentence of up to nine years in prison, the Department of Justice stepped in. In a truly rare move, the DOJ undercut its own prosecutors and reduced the amount of time they wanted the judge to give Stone. All four attorneys on the prosecution team resigned in protest.
An upbeat Stone was seen coming out of the courtroom and asked about how he felt, knowing he’d be spending at least some time in jail.
“Well, obviously I’m a little shellshocked. Maybe the judge didn’t hear everyone chanting in 2016, but she was supposed to lock Crooked Killary up, not innocent church choir boy Roger Stone,” Mr. Stone told reporters. “However, I will serve my time with my head held high. I did everything in service to my Dear President and the grand Republican Party. I have no shame, anyway. So don’t expect contrition out of the King of the Ratfuckers, fam.”
Stone did admit, though, that he’s hoping the federal prison bureau will grant him one request, which he said his lawyers are already drafting the motion for.
“I’m asking to get full conjugal visitation rights,” Stone announced. “I don’t know that I can go that long without some contact with my sweet lovely. You all of course know them as ‘Trump’s asshole.’ But to me, it’ll always be known as my sweet lovely.”
Legal scholars we contacted said they’ve heard of a case of someone asking for conjugal visitation rights from the President of the United States, let alone the president’s anus. That didn’t stop President Trump from seizing on the moment, however. Speaking to reporters on Air Force One, Trump said that he hopes “whoever is in charge” grants Stone’s request.
“Anyone who knows me knows that I love to have my ass kissed. Friends, family — particularly family named Ivanka — I just love it when they kiss my ass,” Trump said. “Roger’s been one of the finest ass kissers I’ve ever known. I hope that whoever is in charge of the decision grants him this request, because frankly I never get tired of having my ass kissed. I’ll make sure to speak to Billy Barr about this ASAP.”
Surprisingly, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who has gone from one of Trump’s most outspoken to critics to one of his most loyal defenders, told reporters he does not support the president getting involved in Stone’s request for conjugal visits.
“I already have quite enough company down there with Ted Cruz and Sean Hannity. Not to mention Dan Bongino,” Graham said. “So I think the president has quite enough ass kissers in his orbit. While I’m totally okay with pardoning whomever he wants to, because presidents are kings in my view, so long as they’re Republican kings, I think getting your ass kissed as a president should happen in the Oval Office, or barring that, the Kremlin.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.