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Monday, June 5, 2023

Romney’s Got Binders Full of Excuses for Being a Partisan Cocksock

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump appeared to get his wish — he has the votes in the Senate to ram his Supreme Court nominee through, no matter who it is. By the time the election takes place, it’s extremely likely now that the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be replaced by a far more conservative person, theoretically securing a 6-3 conservative majority in the high court until and if Democrats are able to either expand the court, or perhaps impeach and remove a certain alcoholic, rapey justice whose name rhymes with Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

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Helping to provide cover for the GOP’s pretty apparent hypocrisy on the issue of confirming Supreme Court justices in an election year was none other than Mittens Q. Robotron III, known lovingly to his friends and colleagues as Senator Mitt Romney. The Utah Republican was the only one in the GOP to vote to convict and remove President Trump on one of the Articles of Impeachment sent by the House of Representatives, and some had wondered if he’d follow suit with fellow Republican Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, and ask that the confirmation process be delayed until after the election, as the same Republican Party said should be the case when the flatly denied Judge Merrick Garland, the man former President Barack Obama attempted to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia with, even a hearing.

Romney waited a few days after Ginsburg’s passing to release the statement, below, indicating that he believed it was his duty to help Trump ram a nominee onto the bench as quickly as possible.

Sen. Romney was asked about his decision to support nominating and confirming a justice to the Supreme Court in an election year this morning as he arrived to work. Romney batted away comparisons to Merrick Garland, saying he wasn’t in the Senate at that time. Romney also said that a liberal majority on the court “isn’t written in the stars.”

Just a couple of hours later, Romney was headed to lunch and stopped by reporters again. Romney was asked what his thinking process was, given that just a few months ago he believed that Trump’s violations of his oath of office were egregious enough to warrant his removal. Romney, laughing, pointed back toward his office.

“I’ll tell you how I’m able to do it. Partisan cocksocks are people too, my friend,” Romney said confidently. “I’m one of those partisan cocksocks. If that’s illegal, let me know. But as far as I know, it’s completely within my rights to be a blatantly partisan cocksock, and that’s what I intend to do.”

Sen. Romney indicated he “didn’t take the decision” about whether to support voting on a replacement for Ginsburg lightly. He thought it about for a few days. Ultimately, he did a lot of research on the subject, and compiled his research.

“I put all the research I did into binders. I have binders full of excuses for my total lack of principles, scruples, morals, or values,” Romney said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a previously scheduled appointment to take a swim in my money bin.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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