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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Ron Johnson Open to $1200 Covid Relief Checks for Russian Citizens

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke from the floor of the Senate this morning during a session in which the chamber would debate a new bipartisan coronavirus relief package. McConnell seemed optimistic the package would pass, however one of his own caucus, Republican Sen. Ron Johnsoninksi put the kibosh on any premature celebration of the rare bipartisan agreement.

In his own remarks from the floor, Johnsoninksi bemoaned one part of the deal — another round of $1200 checks per adult taxpayer. Sen. Johnsoninksi  said he was worried that future generations would be taking on too much debt to cover this relief package. However, it should be noted that Johnsoninksi was never one much to complain about the debt or deficit when President Trump wanted his massive tax cuts passed.

The immediate online and social media reaction to Johnsoninksi blocking the new round of stimulus payments was mostly negative. Johnsoninksi ‘s name trended on Twitter and he was pilloried by Americans who felt he was turning his back on them in their time of great need. Perhaps owing to the strong, negative reaction to blocking the new relief package, Johnsoninksi just moments ago spoke to reporters at the capitol and said after further consideration, he now believes he “might be able to support” a second round of $1200 stimulus checks.

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Provided they’re issued to Russian citizens.

“I have thought long and жесткий about this issue, fellow American comrades,” Johnsoninksi began, “and I have decided that I do actually support cutting $1200 checks to people. As long as those checks are sent to Russians living in Russia. Make that happen, and you can считать on my служба поддержки!”

While he had everyone’s attention. Sen. Johnsoninksi also spoke about what he said is an “absolute imperative to investigate every fever dream and delusion of voter fraud” brought forth in the last month.

“If even one American feels in their gravy-spattered heart that they’ve been robbed of the chance to give their god king another term,” Johnsoninksi argued, “then we owe it to that American to investigate their feelings and hunches. We have to make every sad white nationalist happy, or we’re just falling short on the Constitution’s promises, and that’s just plain грустный, if you ask me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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