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Sunday, March 26, 2023

Roy Moore Says Elections Are ‘Like Teenage Girls,’ And Refuses To Pull Out Of Race He Lost

PEDURAST, ALABAMA — Former Alabama judge Roy Moore lost a hotly contested election earlier this month to a Democrat in his home state, and he is still not quite over the pain of that loss. Late Wednesday night, the religious conservative filed a lawsuit to block the results of the election and prevent Doug Jones from fully claiming victory.

As reported by NBC:

The Alabama State Canvassing Board is scheduled to meet Thursday afternoon to certify Jones’ victory. But the Moore campaign filed a complaint late Wednesday night in state circuit court in Montgomery, the state capital, seeking a temporary restraining order to postpone the certification, alleging “potential election fraud that improperly altered the outcome of this election.”

The race had garnered national attention because it was a special election to determine who would replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions in the Senate. The Democratic Party had not won such a seat in two decades, and Moore’s defeat, despite a full-throated presidential endorsement, was a stinging rebuke of President Trump, but also of Moore, who had been deluged with stories from his past that alleged years of sexually preying on teenage girls when he was an adult in his twenties and thirties.

This morning, Moore held a press conference no less than 500 yards outside a local shopping mall, because by court order that’s how far he has to be from it. Moore attempted to explain his reasoning behind refusing to concede, and in filing his lawsuit over alleged voter fraud.

“First of all, elections are like teenage girls,” Moore said. “You don’t just pull out because everyone tells you shouldn’t be in there in the first place.”


Judge Roy Moore To Travel Country, Giving “PED Talks”

Judge Moore further explained his reasoning.

“Look, I ain’t fully satisfied that I lost legitimately, just like I ain’t fully satisfied the South actually lost the Civil War,” Moore said. “These are both things I feel very strongly about. It’s hard to accept that you’re such vile piece of shit that even in a state that has hated Democrats for two decades you could lose to one. What can I say? I’m a Christian Republican; believing my perception is truth is a hallmark of what we do.”

Mr. Moore said that he believes “at least six trillion blacks were bused in” from all over the country to help him lose. He didn’t cite any specific evidence, but he also said that even if his theory is “complete bunk,” that he will make a legal argument that could drastically reduce the number of votes Jones gets credit for having received.

“You all know I’m a Constitutional Originalist. In fact, I’m such an originalist that I think amendments past the tenth, which include those that abolished slavery, could be stricken and it would improve many things in this country,” Moore said. “And in the original Constitution, there was the Three-Fifths Compromise, which I believe if it were properly applied today, would hand me the win on the grounds that votes from black citizens should only count for three-fifths of an actual vote.”

The Alabama State Canvassing board could certify the results of the election as early as today. This story is developing.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and The Pastiche Post.

More satire:

Donald Trump Asks President of Alabama If Roy Moore Can Still Win The Electoral College

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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