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Saturday, June 3, 2023

Roy Moore: “My Family Values Are Valuing The Young Girls In Your Family”

HASTERT, ALABAMA — Former Alabama Supreme Court Justice and current Republican senatorial nominee Roy Moore had a bombshell report dropped on his campaign last week. In a blistering exposé from The Washington Postmultiple women detailed accounts of Moore, an outspoken evangelical Christian and birther, making sexual advances toward young teenage girls when he was in his thirties. One woman accused Moore of inappropriately touching her and forcing her to touch him when she was 14 and he was 32 years old.

This morning at a prayer breakfast in a small Alabama town, Candidate Moore attempted to address the growing concerns about the allegations of his sexual misconduct, allegations that have already cost him the financial backing of the Republican Party’s senate campaign funding apparatus.

“Everyone wants to talk about how I’m a hypocrite for pushing traditional family values for so long and then preying on teenage girls,” Moore said, “but that’s just because they don’t understand what I meant. My family values are valuing young girls in your family.”

The breakfast attendees mostly seemed to swallow Moore’s reasoning. Some chattered among themselves and shook their heads. But most simply nodded and said, “Amen,” or “It’s all the libtarded libtards’ faults.” Moore pressed on.

“Obviously wedding teenagers is exactly the kind of Biblical marriage I’ve been defending for decades, so I don’t know why anyone is surprised I practice what I preach,” Moore said, defiance in his voice.

In light of the allegations, and his new defense of his actions, Moore did make a rather unforeseen announcement.

“I have decided that I will be joining the Taliban,” Moore said, “because for starters, they’ve already reached out to me and let me know they both understand me and also condone the exact kind of sexual predation I participated in as a part of their routine religious practices. So you know, if the child bride fits. You understand.”

Judge Moore’s next campaign stop was a  high school girls’ volleyball game, followed by a speech at the YWCA, and then finally a special screening of Lolita at a movie theater in Montgomery, the state’s capital.

More satire:

Roy Moore: “It Was Just Locker Room Sexual Predation!”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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