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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Roy Moore: “I’m The Slippery Slope To Pedophilia I Was Warning Y’all Gay Marriage Would Bring!”

GREEN FIELDS, ALABAMA — As his campaign to fill Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ old Alabama Senate seat draws to a close in just a matter of days, Judge Roy Moore spoke to a campaign rally outside a pet store in his home state. During the rally, Mr. Moore didn’t shy away from the allegations of his sexually inappropriate behavior toward teenage girls when he was in his twenties and thirties. Instead, Moore dove right in, and even used his behavior as evidence of his warnings about the ills that will befall the country after marriage equality became the law of the land were “dead on accurate.”

“Folks, you and I both know I’m not about to deny no allegations that I fraternized with teenage girls when I was bachelor,” Moore told his rally crowd. “Because if the Lord Our God didn’t have to apologize for the Immaculate Date Rape when he impregnated Mary, I sure as heck ain’t gonna apologize for sexually preying in his image, know what I mean?”

Judge Moore admitted that in his past he’d “dabbled in some Biblical pedophilia” and that he didn’t think it disqualified him from being holding elected office.

“Um, hello? People, we just elected a man who admitted to sexually abusing women and excusing it with his fame and fortune and status,” Moore said, “So don’t talk to me about what’s right or proper for a public official to say or do!”

Moore then explained to everyone why his decision to sexually pursue teenagers was in fact the fault of liberals.

What did I tell you guys for years would happen if we started letting the gays marry each other? Huh? I told you we’d be on a slippery slope to accepting pedophilia as a society,” Moore said. “And now, look at all you folks lining up to elect a pedophile because at least he’s not a Democrat! I was right! The whole time, I was right. I’m the slippery slope to pedophilia I was warning y’all gay marriage would bring!”

Judge Moore explained further.

“For decades I and every other red blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriot tried to tell you all that angering God by letting two consenting adults get married would lead to things like dogs and cats marrying, and well, the open acceptance of pedophiles,” Moore said. “Some may say all this news makes my a hypocrite, but I say that’s a lot of nonsense. I’d ask those people if they’d ever heard the phrase, ‘Takes one to know one.’ Because that’s me. I’m the one…taking it and knowing.”

Current polling in Alabama shows Moore’s double-digit lead has all but evaporated, and some polls show his opponent, a Democrat, ahead of Moore.

More satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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