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Saturday, June 3, 2023

In New Ad, Roy Moore Offers To ‘Stuff Alabamans’ Young Birds’ This Thanksgiving

ALABAMA — In a new campaign ad aimed at undecided voters in his state, Judge Roy Moore offers to come to anyone’s house and lend them a hand in preparing their Thanksgiving dinners. In particular, Moore offers to help Alabama voters prepare their turkeys, geese, ducks, or other fowl that will be served to guests.

“Hi, I’m Judge Roy Moore, and I am running to replace your favorite racist cookie elf in the United States Senate,” Moore says, looking into the camera. “I am so hungry for your vote, that I will stuff Alabamans’ young birds this week, and all you gotta do in return is consider voting for me. But this ain’t no quid pro quo; I’ll come stuff that young bird of yours, no strings attached.”

Moore says he enjoys stuffing young birds so much, he doesn’t even consider it a chore, and would visit every single home in Alabama “just for a shot at stuffing that tender, young bird you’ve been saving special-like.”

“When you know you’re the very best at something, you want to do it as much as you possible can,” Moore explains. “And over the years, I have gotten stuffing young birds down to a science. Just ask anyone who’s lived near me for the last forty years, and they’ll tell you — Roy Moore and stuffing young birds go together like Roman Polanski and frequent flyer miles.”

Seasoning and bringing the fowl will also be on Moore’s docket.

“As long as the wine you got is less than 18 years old,” Moore says, “We’ll be just fine. Any older than that, and frankly it’s too old for my tastes, and I’m sure yours as well.”

Current polling shows that Moore’s lead has all but evaporated, with most polls showing him down slightly to Democrat Doug Jones. Flipping the seat formerly held by Attorney General Jeff Sessions would be a boon to Democrats who didn’t think they’d have a chance to win in Alabama in a lifetime or two. Moore knows the importance of the seat, and that’s why he’s “pulling out all the stops” with just a few days left before the special election.

“So please, Alabama, let me stuff your young birds this Thanksgiving. I got all the experience necessary,” Moore says as the ad fades to black.

Some more satire:

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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