ALABAMA — Sources close to the situation are reporting that Judge Roy Moore has returned home after being rushed to the hospital with concerns of a possible stroke or heart attack earlier this weekend. Mr. Moore was reportedly entering a public restroom in his home state of Alabama when he discovered a 14-year-old transgender girl in it.
“Well, well, well, lookie what we have here,” Moore reportedly said to the girl. “Hey darlin’, you’re in the wrong bathroom you know.”
The girl looked startled. Witnesses say they overheard the girl telling authorities she had been hoping to sneak into the bathroom and use it before anyone else came in. However, she said that Moore startled her and it took her a moment to clearly articulate herself. Judge Moore, perhaps saw this as a coy reticence on her part, and and he moved in closer.
“It’s okay for you to be frightened by such a handsome older feller as me,” Moore told the girl. “You wouldn’t be the first sweet young thing to be intimidated by my rakish good looks, sweetheart.”
As Judge Moore took another step toward the girl, she finally found her voice.
“I do know I’m in the wrong bathroom sir,” the girl told Moore. “But I was just hoping to duck in here real quick, use the bathroom, and go. You know, like most sentient humans over the age of two or three, I get how bathrooms work.”
Judge Moore winked and raised his eyebrows.
“Then if you know you’re in the wrong bathroom, I guess that makes you a naughty girl,” Moore said. “Naughty girls get punished for their naughty deeds.”
The girl backed a step or two away from Moore.
“No, you don’t understand. I know I’m in the wrong bathroom,” the girl began, “at least in terms of where I feel comfortable, and clearly where people like would be more comfortable with me using the bathroom. But I was born a boy, and even though this country supposedly believes in liberty, and this state is supposedly all about small government, some wrinkled up, scared jack wagon wrote a law that said I have to piss and shit in the bathroom that fits my biological gender, not the one that I identify with. So. Here I am. Pissing in the boy’s room, SIR.”
A tiny waft of smoke could be seen just barely leaving Moore’s ears. He stammered. He sputtered. Random words would come out of his mouth, as if sentences were about to form, but nothing quite ever came together.
“I wrote that…but…you…and…the Bible…God…you’re young and I want fu…but you’re also trans…family values…still want to bang…Christian…I…oh dear…,” Moore tried and tried to speak. But nothing intelligible came out, which is saying something because hardly anything intelligible ever comes out of his mouth. Then, it happened.
Judge Moore collapsed and fell to the ground. Aides rushed into the bathroom, demanding answers from girl. Judge Moore was rushed to a local hospital where he was given a series of tests, fluids, and back issues of teen magazines like Tiger Beat to bring his vitals back down to normal levels.
“We estimate that Judge Moore will recuperate with plenty of time to make history as the first open pedophile in Senate history to be elected when there was a perfectly acceptable, non-pedophile just below him on the ballot,” the Moore campaign’s statement reads. “And he looks forward to his Oingo Boingo tribute band’s tour of Alabama junior high schools and malls later this week.”
This story is developing.