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Thursday, June 1, 2023

Huckabee Sanders: Mueller Arresting Manafort a Distraction From Trump Administration Distracting Americans From Mueller Investigation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Paul Manafort, Donald Trump’s one time campaign manager was arrested on charges including conspiracy and money laundering. At the same time, Manafort’s long time associate Rick Rick Gates was arrested. Rounding out the fury of activity in regards to Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s probe of the 2016 presidential election, a Trump campaign staffer named George Papadopoulos’ secret guilty plea was released, containing testimony that he helped establish contacts with the Trump campaign and Russians who claimed to have “dirt” on Hillary Clinton.

Shortly after today’s press briefing, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was spotted leaving the White House carrying half a dozen Russian nesting dolls. She was asked about this mornings events, and she said the White House believes the arrests of Manafort and Gates, and the guilty plea of Papadopolous are “just a huge distraction” for the American people.

“And that’s not fair, y’all,” Huckabee said, “because we was doin’ the distractin’ first, I tell you what, hyuk hyuk hyuk.” Huckabee Sanders did a little jig and pulled on her overall straps as she danced.

Ms. Huckabee Sanders, pausing every few minutes to whet her whistle with a nearby tub of nacho cheese, told reporters that her boss is “livid” and “despondent to the point of not being able to grab puss” over the Papadopolous plea. She said that Trump is not happy about Manafort’s indictment, but that he also thinks the American people have “far more important things” to worry about.


“How about the uppity blacks — excuse me, the rich, out of touch, elitist athletes in the NFL taking a knee during the National Anthem,” Huckabee Sanders wondered aloud, her left eye wide while her right stayed squinted in a similar way to Igor, the assistant to Dr. Frankenstein (pronounced “Frahn-ken-STEEN). “Did we make a big deal out of kneeling black athletes for absolutely no reason?!”

If Americans aren’t careful, Huckabee warned, their “Dear President and God Emperor” would have no choice but to attempt to distract them with something far more dangerous and “attention getting,” she said.

“Umm hello? We have control of all the country’s nook-you-lur missiles, okay? If God Emperor Trump wanted to nuke California for being a sanctuary city, he totally could,” Huckabee warned, “and the Constitution says he can. Right there in the Appendices. And then you’d all be reallllll distracted if we nuked Sacramento, huh? Fuckin’ libtarded-ass mainstream media…so disrespectful to so many Americans.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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