HIGH ABOVE PLANET EARTH — The world is a very big place, and when your primary job in it is to deliver toys and presents to all the good little boys and girls living on it, it can feel even bigger than it is. For Santa Claus, known also as Jolly Old Saint Nick, The Big Man, El Viejo Rojo, and Tim to his closest friends, Christmas Eve is the most stressful and harried time of year. While piloting his reindeer-powered sleigh around the globe on his delivery route today, Mr. Claus explained that last year he was so stressed and harried that he accidentally gave the whole world a lump of coal in their stockings.
“I was just under the gun and not thinking clearly,” Santa told a radio host on WXMAS this morning, via Skype. “Last year, 62 million people voted for the most un-Christmas Spirited guy I could imagine. A guy who probably has Bah Humbug tattooed on his orange butt. A guy who brags about doing things to little girls that would certainly put him on the Naughty List just for thinking them. So I was going to put lumps of coal in all their stockings.”
However, a clerical error among Claus’s elfin work force caused something completely different to happen.
“So I ended up putting a racist, orange, senile lump of coal in everyone’s stockings instead,” Santa said. “All year long the whole planet, not just Americans, and not just Americans who voted for the troglodyte, suffered for it. I am truly very sorry.”
Santa said he’s trying to make up for his mistake last year.
“I gave you all Robert Mueller,” Santa said. “Block out the screeching from the right, the people trying to impugn the character of a man from their own political party for purely cynical, political reasons. Just let him do his job.”
After a pause, Santa gave the people of America another bit of advice.
“But, also? VOTE NEXT YEAR. You can take your country back. You can stop this foolishness. Mid-term elections matter,” Claus said. “So don’t just sit around waiting for some mythological person to save you. SAVE. YOUR. SELVES. Merry Christmas to all, and to all an early vote!”
The White House could not be reached for comment.