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Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Santa Disappoints Boy: “I Can’t Bring You Unicorns or Make Your Daddy President Again”

Santa Claus, while in New York recently doing some late Christmas shopping of his own, ran into a former president’s son and wound up having to break some rather disappointing news to the boy. An eyewitness to the situation spoke on condition of anonymity and gave us a brief synopsis of what happened.

“Oh wow! Santa! SANTA! Look everyone! It’s Santa,” former President Don Trump’s son shouted as he turned the corner on 5th Avenue and Main Street.

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Santa, by now used to being recognized on the street, smiled at Trump’s son. He waved and gave a polite nod, trying to simply slip by and move onto the next shop on his list. However, Eric was too fast and blocked Claus’ pathway.

“SANTA! Did you get my letter? I sent it a couple of weeks ago, Santa! I only had two things on it, so I hope you can make me a very happy boy this Christmas,” Trump’s son said with excitement in his voice.

Santa laughed and nodded. Yes, indeed, he had gotten the son’s letter. Trump’s son heaved a sigh of relief.

“You got it?! You got my letter, Santa?! Oh yay! I’m so excited! That means I’m gonna get them, then huh? I’m gonna get what I asked for,” Trump’s son shouted excitedly.

However, that’s when Santa’s mood shifted slightly. He seemed to squirm a bit, and was visibly uncomfortable. He tried to hush Trump’s progeny, but there was just too much excitement spewing out.

“I’m gonna get a unicorn! My very own unicorn! It almost makes up for all the times Daddy gave our presents to Ivanka because she was prettier and deserved them more than us. I never understood why Daddy would give us a dildo in the first place, so it was kinda fine with me that Ivanka always got ours too, but he has his ways, you know that, Santa,” Trump’s son pushed on.

Finally, after another minute or two of Trump’s son’s exuberance, Santa knew he just had to interject and level with Trump’s offspring.

“Hold it. Hold it. Hold up, Eric! Firstly, no, I cannot bring you a unicorn or make your dad president again. I can only give real gifts of real things that are possible. Secondly, even if I could, I would not bring you any gift, and will not bring you any gifts, ever. Because people who steal money from kids with cancer are on the Permanent Naughty List, Eric. Now, kindly leave me the ho-ho-hell alone so i can get my shopping done,” Santa said firmly as he walked away.

Witnesses say a devastated Eric is still in a heap on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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