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Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Santa Updates 2021 Naughty List Infractions to Include “Inciting or Participating in a Coup”

THE NORTH POLE — Santa Claus has what could be very bad news for a select group of American white nationalist patriots. In a new television interview, conducted only weeks before he takes to the sky to drop his ho-ho loads on families all over the world, Santa announced that he had “updated the Naughty List infraction manual” to include two new violations that could put MAGA-based Americans in quite a holiday snit.

“Every year, Mrs. Claus and I sit down and go over our Naughty List policies and best practices. This year was no different. When we reviewed the tape, it became extremely clear that we needed to update the list of infractions that get you put on the naughty list to include ‘inciting or participating in a coup attempt’,” Santa announced on Mythical Beings Today. “We’re big fans of democracy here, and sore losers never get anything but lumps of coal in their stockings anyway.”

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Claus estimates that this new policy will leave a “few hundred MAGAs and their cult leaders out in the cold,” but he feels the policy is “ultimately very fair.”

“I understand and appreciate that a lot of people in the Trump family may feel very offended by this new policy, but they should really be used to being on the NL by now. Shit’s sake, the super-dumb one stole money from kids with cancer! What kind of monster would I be if I rewarded those idiotic fascist con artists with toys and presents on Christmas Eve,” Santa asked rhetorically.

Perhaps predictably, the reaction from strong pro-MAGA types has been swift, and quite angry. Freshman Congressmare Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) blasted Santa Claus on OANN and insisted that she would “see to it” that he and his wife are punished for their decision.

“The first thing I am doing this morning is filing papers to impeach Santa. Once our goodly King Emperor Don Trump is once more sat upon his throne, we will impeach Santa, Joe Biden, and Hunter Biden’s laptop, in that order. Then we will impeach Ben Gozzi, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton. Santa will rue the day he picked a fight with the Grand Old Party of Domestic Terror,” Greene screeched on live TV.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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