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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Satan Offers to Send Emerald Robinson to Med School

HELL — NewsMax reporter and chief White House correspondent Emerald Robinson was permanently banned from Twitter this week after she repeatedly shared false information about COVID-19 vaccines containing Satanic chemicals.

Robinson claimed that the vaccines developed to fight off COVID were made with chemicals, one called “LUCIFERASE,”  engineered by the devil and would make people glow if they got it.

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While the world awaits evidence to back up her claims, someone isn’t wasting any time refuting them. However, even as he did, Satan offered to “help Emerald get a real education,” and said he’d pay for her tuition. The only proviso is that Robinson cannot matriculate at Trump University’s med school.

“First of all, yes, Luciferase is a real chemical. I didn’t invent it though, and I damn sure wouldn’t put in a life SAVING vaccine. I mean, hi, I’m the Prince of Darkness,” Satan laughed as he spoke to reporters during a presser this morning.

“Why the fuck would I be associated with anything, in any fucking way, that has to do with SAVING people? Eternal damnation, pain, and suffering are my jam, but this cray cray lady thinks I’m gonna get involved with something that helps prevent pain and suffering?”

Though he mocked her ruthlessly for a full twenty minutes, eventually Satan offered to help Ms. Robinson clarify her beliefs about COVID-19 vaccines.

“It seems to me that maybe Emerald needs to go to med school to learn how vaccines are made, and how they work. Well, that or she could take high school biology class again,” Satan laughed.

“Seriously, though, if Emerald wants to learn something and not, you know, continue to be a fucking idiot, I’m more than willing to foot the bill and send her to any med school she chooses. Well, almost any med school. I’m not sending her to Trump University’s med school. There are enough idiots worried about windmill cancer up on Earth as it is.”

Robinson, nor her reps, could be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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